Satire: Infusing Trump’s Christmas Message With Holiday Spirit

By Laurie Baron

While most Christians were wishing everyone goodwill and peace, Donald Trump posted the following message on Truth Social (which really should be renamed Truth Antisocial):

“Merry Christmas to all, including Crooked Joe Biden’s ONLY HOPE, Deranged Jack Smith, the out-of-control Lunatic who just hired outside attorneys, fresh from the SWAMP (unprecedented!), to help him with his poorly executed WITCH HUNT against “TRUMP” and “MAGA.” Included also are World Leaders, both good and bad, but none of which are as evil and “sick” as the THUGS we have inside our Country who, with their Open Borders, INFLATION, Afghanistan Surrender, Green New Scam, High Taxes, No Energy Independence, Woke Military, Russia/Ukraine, Israel/Iran, All Electric Car Lunacy, and so much more, are looking to destroy our once great USA. MAY THEY ROT IN HELL. AGAIN, MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

Trump’s advisors had drafted a message that was more in keeping with the Christmas spirit. He edited their draft to make it sound more authentically Trumpian before adding his own flourishes. Here’s the copy of that post which I obtained surreptitiously:

Merry Christmas! I wish you a white Christmas, though it won’t be very white if we let those black, brown, and yellow migrants poison our country’s blood. If you live where it snows, that proves this whole climate change thing is a hoax.

Like Santa, I will bring many gifts to people who vote for me if I’m elected to my third term—I spent my second term in absentia because I was illegally evicted from the White House by a cabal of Green New Deal grinches. And like Santa, I won’t give anything to those who have been naughty by not supporting me. The Magi presented Jesus with gifts. MAGI was an acronym for Make Americans Greedy Investors, my kind of people.

I, too, celebrate Christ’s birth in a STABLE because I’m a stable genius. I’m richer than Jesus. He might have been the Son of God, but I’m the Son of Fred whose real estate business was far more profitable than that pathetic carpentry business Joseph bequeathed to Jesus. Yes, I know Jesus fed 5000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, but I have fed and slaked the thirst of many more people who could afford my steaks and natural spring water.

Finally, when the Romans tried and killed Jesus, they at least didn’t do it during an election year. After all, the Romans helped Jesus become the Messiah by crucifying him. More wicked than Pilate, Jack Smith is attempting to prevent me from becoming President. If I become the President again, I’ll do such a great job that I eventually will be anointed the MESSIAH! I’m already close to that status which is why I capitalize “TRUMP” within quotation marks.

Baron is professor emeritus at San Diego State University. He may be contacted via [email protected]. This article is republished from San Diego Jewish World which, along with The Moderate Voice, is a member of the San Diego Online News Association.