Satire: My Big Safe Covid-19 Wedding

by Laurie Baron
A year ago this week the World Health Organization declared the Covid-19 outbreak a pandemic. Since then I have not attended any “congregate” events. Now that I’m fully vaccinated, I plan to attend a wedding being held at the end of this month. The invitation has made me feel that this will not be a risky undertaking.

For seating at the dinner, I was asked to indicate if I had received both of my shots. Apparently, I will be seated with other people in the same category. Those who have not been vaccinated or who have received only one shot will be assigned to portable plastic yurts. Instead of choices for entrees, the invitation lists the phone numbers for DoorDash and Grubhub. Guests are required to call in their orders earlier in the afternoon and meet the deliverers at the entrance to the venue to pick up their meals.

The bride plans to wear a gown fashioned from the filtering material used in N-95 masks and a face shield instead of a veil. The groom has rented a stylish Hazmat tuxedo. They will kiss through their protective gear assuring that neither will have to be hospitalized during their honeymoon. They will be married remotely by Dr. Fauci. The wedding rings will be sterilized in an autoclave before they are put on each other’s fingers.

After dinner, a mix tape selected by the couple will be played on a boom box to prevent musicians and singers from spewing aerosolized particulates. Guests will be instructed by the DJ on how to do line dancing six feet apart. The cutting of the cake has been dispensed with in favor of each guest receiving a slice in a Styrofoam clamshell box.

The couple will spend their first night as husband and wife in a two bedroom suite enabling them to sleep in separate rooms. Although the destination of their honeymoon has not been disclosed, I am certain they are not going to travel to Mississippi or Texas.

Unvaccinated guests are required to get tested again the week after the wedding. I feel comforted by all the precautions that have been taken and hope that one day in the future the newlyweds will be able to live together and make love.

Laurie Baron, PhD, is professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. This column is satire and should not be taken literally. This article is reprinted from San Diego Jewish World which, along with The Moderate Voice, is a member of the San Diego Online News Association.