Doped up Demons (Cartoon, Column and Video)
Louisiana televangelist Jesse Duplantis said, “I really believe that if Jesus was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey. Think about it for a minute. He’d be in an airplane preaching the gospel all over the world.” With that argument, this jackass wants his followers to buy him a $54 million luxury private plane.
But he claims he doesn’t want you to buy it for him. God does. He tells us, “God said, ‘I want you to believe me for a Falcon 7X.’ The first thing I thought of was how am I going to pay for it? And a great statement that he told me in 1978 flooded into my mind, and he said, ‘Jesse, I didn’t ask you to pay for it, I asked you to believe for it.” I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, God wants you to buy him the plane, that God is talking to him, or that they’re on a first name basis.
If you do help him purchase the plane he wants, a Dassault Falcon 7X seating up to 19 with an optional on board shower, you won’t be saving him from commercial flights. You’ll be saving him from the other three private airplanes he owns.
Megachurch charlatans hate commercial flights. Fellow grifter Kenneth Copeland claims he too famous and important to deal with “this dope-filled world, and get in a long tube with a bunch of demons.”
He has a point. Doped-up demons are the worst kind of demons. And flying commercial does suck. But if you really believe you’re doing the Lord’s work, isn’t dealing with a tight seat and the tiny bag of nuts in a long tube full of doped-up demons worth it? If Jesus can sacrifice himself for your sins, can’t you sacrifice enough to deal with baggage claim and layovers?
In fact, these shitweasels shouldn’t be using their suckers’ money on building megachurches, living in $50 million tax-free mansions, riding in limos, and flying in private jets with optional showers. They should be living in two-bedroom houses, preaching in adequate buildings, driving Toyota Corollas, and flying commercial seated between the fat guy with stinky feet and the crying baby. I would rather see the money go toward an organization like St. Jude, which saves children from cancer and their parents never see a bill, than see it go to these jackasses’ luxurious lifestyles.
For that matter, EPA chief Scott Pruitt needs to start living a more modest lifestyle. Pruitt hates commercial flights himself and considers it dangerous to mingle with the filthy public who may approach him and, “You suck.”
For all the swamp draining Trump has promised, it’s amazing Pruitt still has his job, less enough not facing criminal charges…yet. Currently, there are nearly a dozen separate investigations into Pruitt’s corruption, from private expensive flights, to renting a condo owned by people lobbying the EPA, to giving his buddies hefty pay raises, to purchasing a soundproof booth, to several other shenanigans.
Trump could have been a televangelist. He looks like one with the stupid hair, spray-painted orange tan, and the constant stupid expression. He sounds like one too by emitting a constant stream of nonsense and lies. They’re all con artists.
I wonder how people can be dumb enough to throw their money at TV preachers so they can live in luxury, but then I remember, around 60 million people voted for Donald Trump.
What I’m arguing for is to make commercial flying even worse. Can you imagine being seated between Pruitt and the guy afraid of tube demons? Personally, I’ll take my chances with the doped-up demons.
Watch me draw.
Email Clay Jones at [email protected]cartoons