An inevitable press briefing a few days from now:

(Trump is hydraulically lowered into his seat.)

“Mr. President, are you planning to drain the Reflecting Pool and start over? There are reports – ”

“Quiet, Piggy! I know you’ve been down there stealing patriotic paint chips. Maybe we oughta cuff you. And gimme a smile for a change. You’re a terrible reporter by the way, like the rest of the Fake News, which keeps saying very terroristically that my beautiful pool restoration is a ‘met-a-phor’ for something about me. That’s a big word, a lotta people don’t know it. I bet Hussein Obama uses it.

“But that word has nothing to do with me because the real news, which of course you won’t report, is that in truth I love the algae!

“I love it very strongly. This is my Green New Deal – you didn’t know that, did you? – it’s a new marketing campaign the likes of which nobody has ever seen before. And look at Marco and JD over there, nodding so strongly. They love it too.

“Some very fine people, big strapping men with tears in their eyes, came up to me today when I was resting my eyes not sleeping, and they said, ‘Sir, we think that MAGA really stands for Make Algae Grow Again,’ which is why starting now I’m selling lawn signs with that very strong slogan for only $99 apiece, and I promise to send all proceeds to a charity I’ll choose in maybe two weeks.

“The lunatic Dumb-o-crats who hate America don’t realize it was always my concept of a plan to make the pool green. Real Americans are saying to me, ‘Sir, it’s so brilliant the way you keep playing three-dimensional checkers,’ or whatever it’s called. Truth is I’ve always loved the color green. The money I’m making on this job is very green. I always kick my golf ball onto the green. Hitler’s Wehrmacht wore green. Vladimir’s troops wear green.

“And lots of fish are green – the radical left never tells you that – and my fish’ll love the algae I’m growing. Sick deranged ‘scientists’ keep saying that algae can be dangerous for fish to eat, but we’re gonna look into those people. And we don’t need to worry about what the birds might do, because they’re all somewhere else getting killed by the windmills.

“Despite what the haters say, I knew all along exactly what I was doing. Nobody knows more about water than I do. To grow my algae, I decreed that the beautiful pool project would begin at the hottest time of the year – the best time for blue-green algae to flourish – and I decreed that the cement would be painted a patriotic American blue, to make sure that the water got heated to the maximum temp for more algae growth very strongly – “

(Pause for brief nap.)

“So, uh, yeah, the algae. I love the algae. What I don’t love is the vandals. ICE oughta look into the vandals who’ve shown up dead of night with barrels of hydrogen peroxide to ruin my American blue paint job. Nobody knows more about hydrogen peroxide than I do. It’s supposed to be used at low concentrations to lighten women’s hair, turn ‘em into beautiful blondes with a rating of 10. Nobody has dated more peroxide 10s than me.

“The disgraceful vandalism is a scandal the likes of which we’ve never seen, but we’re gonna monetize it by selling Trump Paint Chips for 50 bucks apiece. Get ‘em while they last, limited supply, a blue chip that’s better than a blue-chip stock – that’s great messaging for real Americans, you’re welcome.

“And by the time I finish this answer to your question, my true patriots will be pumping algae into their backyard pools. It’s called sol-i-dar-it-y, a big beautiful word bigger than met-a-phor. And for July 4, I’m hereby announcing the first annual algae endurance swim, broadcast live from the Reflecting Pool, with inaugural breaststrokes from Bobby Kennedy Jr. He thinks a pint of algae is a great energy drink and I’ve ordered the FDA to agree.

“Excuse me, darling, I did answer your question. I’m done for today. Anyone know how to work this hydraulic lift? Forget it. Marco and JD, carry me outta here.”

Copyright 2026 Dick Polman, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Dick Polman, a veteran national political columnist based in Philadelphia and a Writer in Residence at the University of Pennsylvania, writes the Subject to Change newsletter. Email him at [email protected]