The Barack Hussein Obama 2011 State of the Union Drinking Game!
Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
NEEDED TO PLAY:
• Four taxpayers of any sex: One rich, white banker- type wearing dark suit with loosened tie. Two ordinary folks wearing jeans; one in a blue or flannel work shirt, the other in a white shirt, sleeves rolled up. One poor, bedraggled person wearing clothes that look like they were retrieved from the bottom of a rodeo dumpster behind the animal-performer stalls.
• One living room with a TV tuned to the State of the Union Address.
• One shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, scattering array on coffee table in front of TV. Banker gets first choice for use during game. White shirt picks next, then work shirt. Banker pockets last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, steals a replacement from the kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.
• Ante up 25 bucks. Cash. Except Banker, who tosses in an I.O.U., and Rags who everybody just avoids eye contact with.
• Three packages of steamed Vienna Beef Chicago-style hot dogs in the middle of table with butter-grilled buns, tomatoes, onions, and some of that weird, neon-green relish on the side.
• One bottle of bourbon.
• A large stash of beer in cans on ice. Rags gets whatever is on sale, like Heileman’s Old Style Ice Light Dry. Banker gets import of choice. Jeans get whatever they want, but have to buy all the beer, bourbon, hot dogs, condiments, and carry the groceries by themselves.
RULES OF THE GAME:
• Every time Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, everybody has to drink two shots of beer. If he talks about the lessons of Tucson, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout “Hallelujah!” has to drink one entire beer.
• Everybody has to drink two shots of beer whenever John Boehner appears to cry. One shot of bourbon if he breaks down sobbing, and disappears entirely from view.
• Every time Barack H. Obama says “Democratic leadership,” the first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking two shots of beer.
• If either Vice President Biden or the Speaker of the House Boehner is seen nodding off on camera, last person to start singing “Wake Up, Little Susie” has to drink three shots of beer.
• If the president says the state of the union is good, but could be better, the last person to eat a fully accoutered hot dog has to drink one shot of bourbon.
• Whenever the president defends ObamaCare, everybody drinks two shots of beer. If he mentions Congress voting to repeal it, everyone drinks a whole beer and throws hot dogs at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink two shots of bourbon.
• If the president relates a touching, heartfelt story of a supporter who was denied a decent education, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if the subject of the anecdote is in the audience. Three times, if he/she is sitting next to a two-star general.
• Every time President Barack Obama talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, drink one shot of beer.
• If the chief executive winks at or points at Michelle, all four players swordfight with hot dogs. Whoever is left with an intact weenie does not have to eat an entire shot glass full of that weird green relish.
• If the president mentions the Chinese president by name, the last person to ask “Hu Dat?” has to drink two shots of beer.
• Optional: Have all players drink with left hand. Unless left-handed. If they are caught drinking with dominant hand, they must watch the entire Republican response and no drinking allowed.
• If the Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal appears on the screen at any time, stop drinking immediately.
• Banker takes home money, shot glasses and bourbon. The I.O.U. is discarded.
• Leftover beer and hot dogs go home with Rags after he/she finishes washing the dishes.
San Francisco-based political comedian Will Durst writes sometimes; this is an example.
Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. His column is licensed to run on TMV in full.