There’s a lesson to be learned here, kids. Don’t get your lawyers out of vending machines. Also, don’t get them out of Cracker Jack or cereal boxes. Watching Trump’s lawyers in action Tuesday, you would think that’s where he got them. But still, out of a Cracker Jack box is still better than out of Trump University.

Donald Trump raised millions for his legal defense. No, he never planned to pay for these lawyers out of his own pocket. During the Mueller investigation, campaign funds paid for his and his trust-fund baby goony kids’ lawyers. Everybody else Trump dragged through the corruption quagmire had to pay for their own lawyers. But if you donated to Trump’s legal defense fund, do you feel you got your moneys worth yesterday? HAHA. Who are we kidding? Those lawyers aren’t going to be paid. Like Rudy, they can charge by the farts and they still won’t get paid.

In fact, lawyers dropped out of the Trump legal defense team over squabbles about getting paid. I didn’t go to college for seven years but I’m educated enough to know that Donald Trump is going to stiff his next lawyer…then his next, then his next, etc. Even the Trump lawyers who defended him in his case against Stormy Daniels got a harder stiffing than she did.

And maybe the lawyers who are defending Trump during his impeachment trial shouldn’t get paid. None of the lawyers from Trump’s first impeachment returned for part two of the Trump leagl shit show. So apparently, Donald Trump went down to a courthouse and found one of those lawyers in a bad suit with ketchup stains bothering people in the lobby, asking, “Do you need a lawyer?” Maybe Trump thought it’d be fine because it worked for Dan Aykroyd in “Dr. Detroit.” And from looking at Bruce Castor’s suit, that’s where he found him…or he was trying to impress the new boss by wearing something from the Trump suit line. Seriously, Trumpers. If you’re not being measured for your suit, you’re going to look like crap. Stop buying off the rack at Walmart. I know this and I’m a T-Shirt and hoodie guy.

But Bruce Castor, in his oversized suit that probably belonged to his father, started his argument praising the impeachment managers, the prosecutors. He admitted that he and his partner, David Schoen, had to change their strategy because the prosecutor’s opening presentation was so good.

The prosecution started by showing a 13-minute video of Trump sending his MAGA mob to the Capitol to stage an insurrection. And the worst thing is, they knew it was coming. This morning, Trump’s legal team objected to the video because it’s detrimental to their case. OK, I got that from the Jim Carrey movie, “Liar Liar,” but that was basically their argument.

Lead House impeachment manager Representative Jamie Raskin argued there is no “January exception.” Raskin pointed out, correctly, “Conduct that would be a high crime or misdemeanor throughout a president’s first few years in office, you can suddenly do in your last few weeks in office without facing any constitutional accountability at all” if Trump’s case is dismissed.

“It’s an invitation to the president to take his best shot at anything he may want to do on his way out the door—including using violent means to lock that door.”

Seriously, it’s just stupid to argue what’s illegal in December is legal in January.

A mob of Donald Trump supporters attacked the U.S. Capitol. Without a doubt, and everyone can agree on this, Donald Trump sent the mob to the Capitol. That mob was not spontaneous. That mob didn’t organize itself. That mob was directed by Donald Trump. He told them to be there on January 6 and that it would be “wild.” Now, Republicans have two arguments.

Argument one: You can’t convict Trump or even hold this trial because it’s unconstitutional. Even Republican lawyers laugh at that one.

Argument two: Donald Trump is not responsible for the violence and insurrection of the MAGA mob despite being the one who sent them and told them they have to “fight or they wouldn’t have a country” because the election was being stolen from them.

If I send a mob to your house and I tell them to just scream on your front yard peacefully, but they bust in and bang your butt, are you gonna get mad at me? Are you going to blame me? I didn’t do it. I only got them worked up and pointed them in the direction of your butt…I mean house.

For an hour, Trump’s lawyer Castor rambled such a weak defense that even Republican senators reacted to with, “Oh dear God.”

It was terrible. According to sources deep inside Mar-a-Lago (worst porn title EVER), Trump was furious with one person saying, “On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the angriest, Mr. Trump was an eight.” And anytime Trump’s anger reaches higher on the scale than he can count, it’s bad.

Fortunately for these horrible lawyers, the fix is in. Rigged election? How about a rigged jury? Unfortunately for the jury, it’s harder for them to say they were swayed by a defense that argues the other side presented a better case.

Donald Trump is guilty. The death count from the mob he sent to the United States Capitol to overturn an election and install himself as a dictator now stands at seven. There were multiple injuries. One Capitol Police officer lost three fingers. Another is expected to lose an eye. And let’s not forget Capitol Police Officer Brian Sicknick who the MAGA mob murdered. And Republicans want to let Trump off the hook before the trial even begins?

If a president can send terrorists to attack the United States Capitol, tweet encouragement to the mob during the act where people are murdered, and not be punished for it, then what is an impeachable offense? Even good lawyers wouldn’t be able to make an argument that Trump is innocent and shouldn’t be convicted and barred from ever occupying the Oval Office ever again.

Brian Sicknick gave his life protecting the men who are going to let his murderer go.

Watch me draw:

Email Clay Jones at [email protected]