On this Fourth of July, take a moment to celebrate one of America’s most cherished traditions: political humor.
Here are some of our favorite jokes from the past four weeks made by late night comedians. When we run these we invariably get angry comments from some folks because someone dared make a joke about “their” favorite official or political party. Lighten up: it’s an American tradition — and one of our freedoms.
“Did you folks see President Bush’s speech last night, the special address? … He said many, many, improvements have been made in Iraq. For example, the roads have been improved, the schools have been improved, medical care has improved. Now if only that could happen here.” –David Letterman
“Bush is doing anything he can now to boost his popularity. In fact, tomorrow he will be jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch.” –David Letterman
“Support for the Iraq war is at an all-time low, and some Republicans blame the media and its ’24/7 news coverage of car bombs,’ which ‘tends to leave a certain impression.’ You know, that’s so true. You never hear about the cars that DON’T blow up.” –Jon Stewart
“You know what they start doing around this time of year down in Washington D.C. at the White House? It’s the big T-ball tournament on the White House lawn. And yesterday a team of six year olds took a double header from the Yankees. They had some trouble in the third inning though. They had to cut off beer sales to the Bush twins.” –David Letterman
“Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld’s resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it.” –Conan O’Brien
“The guards who watch Saddam Hussein say he sits around all day eating Doritos. And, of course, in this country we call that college. ” –David Letterman
“According to confidential reports, al Qaeda was planning an attack on Las Vegas. Yup, and it happened after Osama bin Laden paid 200 bucks to see Celine Dion.” –David Letterman
“Oil is up to 60 dollars a barrel. In fact, today President Bush declared war on Alaska.” –Jay Leno
“The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the right to seize your land. And today Native Americans said, what else is new?” –Jay Leno
“Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: ‘The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.’ Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.” –Jon Stewart
“One of the biggest problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should just do what Washington does — have a constitution, you just don’t use it” –Jay Leno
“”President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said ‘It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.'” –Conan O’Brien
“President Bush welcomed Vietnam’s prime minister to the White House today. He promised the prime minister he would travel to Vietnam next year — that is, unless his dad can get him out of it.” –Jay Leno
“”Saddam told his guards that he misses Ronald Reagan. Well, good news Saddam, you’ll be seeing him soon.” –David Letterman
“Former President Clinton said that Guantanamo should either be cleaned up or closed down. You know, there was a time when people were saying the same thing about the Oval Office.” –Jay Leno
“It was 122 degrees today in India. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to see if their jobs were being outsourced to India.” –Jay Leno
“Today is the 33rd anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That was a time when the president of the United States couldn’t be trusted to tell the American people the truth — thirty years ago, but it feels like yesterday.” –Jay Leno
“It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson’s CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys.” –Conan O’Brien
“Howard Dean is now in trouble for saying that Republicans are a bunch of white Christians and, today, in their prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean.” –Jay Leno
“MSNBC did a feature on Dean and all the trouble he’s been getting into for his comments. In fact, some Democrats are so upset that some party leaders are calling for him to resign. Isn’t that amazing? The Democrats have leaders” –Jay Leno
“Brain cells were grown in a laboratory in Florida — actual human brain cells. Now the next step. They’re going to transplant them into a California jury.” –David Letterman
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.