While I have enjoyed writing columns here at The Moderate Voice in the short time since Joe Gandelman invited me, I feel it only fair to give warning to both the Editor and our readers that I may be moving on to a new position which could stop me from doing this. You see, I am going to be announcing my availability to accept a position with the Hillary Clinton campaign as her official Campaign Booze Adviser. With Mark Penn out of the picture, it has now become more clear than ever that the candidate is desperately in need of such services. This became obvious after Senator Clinton’s recent appearance as a booze chugging, pizza gobbling, regular old gal. While I know I’ve not been hired yet, I shall offer my first consultation to you free of charge here today.
(Photo Credit AP via CNN’s Political Ticker)
CROWN POINT, Indiana – After a day of taking shots at rival Sen. Barack Obama over his “bitter” remarks, Sen. Hillary Clinton relaxed in Crown Point, Indiana and took a shot of a different kind – Crown Royal whiskey.
Clinton was at Bronko’s Restaurant having a beer when the bartender asked, “You want a shot with that Hillary?” After some deliberation, Clinton settled on a shot of Crown Royal…
Later in the evening, the Democratic presidential hopeful also sat down and had some pizza.
CBS provides some additional detail, revealing that her beer choices were also a switch from her normal consumption style.
After a long day of campaigning Clinton was cajoled into taking a shot of Crown Royal whisky, which she sipped at first, but later threw her head back and swallowed it down. That led to a few beers and some pizza.
And although Clinton is no stranger to late night drinks with the press and her staff, she usually prefers red wine or the trendy wheat ale Blue Moon with a slice of orange, not the watery light beer in the glass mug she waved in the air so proudly as the crowd chanted her name.
Clearly the Mainstream Media is once again falling down on the job with this shoddy reporting on a critical campaign story. And this is precisely why my help is needed on the campaign, this being one of my few areas of expertise. First of all, what was the order in which the drinking took place? The two reports are clearly contradictory. Did she do a shot and then wash it down with a beer chaser? Or did she start with the beer and decide on a shot later in the session? There are meticulous pub protocols to follow here, and you don’t want to mess that up.
Second, as to the brand choices. Crown Royal? Really Hillary? Have you nobody advising you any more? To start with, you are trying to impress the “real people” in Pennsylvania and Indiana… regular, middle class Americans. Crown Royal is a Canadian whiskey. It’s also one of the more expensive of the top shelf liquors you’ll find in your average bar. I’m not saying you had to go for the well drinks, which are often just dreadful, but you could at least have asked for Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. If you simply must tick off the poor folks and drink top shelf, go with Knob Creek.
Next, a mug of “watery light beer” on tap was not terrible, but not your strongest move. Clearly the reporter has no clue about politics, since that “watery light beer” is what’s being drunk by a vast swath of the electorate. But you could still do better. Iron City or Rolling Rock would demonstrate your every-man, beer chugging credentials while scoring huge points with the Pennsylbama crowd. If you wanted a more national flavor to your image, Old Milwaukee will never steer you wrong, though frankly I think it tastes like dishwater and gives you a hangover to kill a moose. But hey… we’re going for votes here.
I don’t know how you let this information about your “normal” drinking habits get out to the press, but red wine and Blue Moon wheat ale with a slice of orange are most certainly not the way to go. Hey, I drink wine and love well crafted microbrews myself, but then I’m not running for president. Putting any sort of fruit in your beer just reminds people of the folks who drink that watered down Mexican beer with a wedge of lime in it. Not the image we’re going for, here. And wine? Now you’re just setting yourself up for the limousine liberal tag which the Republicans toss at Senator Obama endlessly. You’re going for the common man here. Stick with the beer and shots routine, but please… keep an eye on the brands!
Senator Clinton, e-mail me. ([email protected]) I’ll send you my phone number, you’ll ring me up and we’ll chat. I’ll have this campaign back on its feet, albeit at a bit of a stagger, in no time flat. Plus, I’ll help you work on your left hook for those inevitable pub brawls.