Forgive me right off the bat — that’s both an apology and a plea — but the recent glut of articles and columns about apologies have it all wrong!
The media’s focus has been on the symbolism of saying the words “I’m sorry,” as if that single utterance means everything and is the only thing. In today’s soundbite world that clamors to satisfy the hunger of news consumers, the media pushes the meme that the words “I’m sorry” alone are the end of the story. Some examples:
Lisa Belkin in articles on both her Motherlode blog and in the New York Times Magazine focuses on how to apologize and explores “how well” someone apologizes.
This post by Lauren Frayer is about a BP gaffe that was made during an apology for the oil spill. The BP executive then had to apologize for the blown apology about being sorry … for the oil spill. Again — what was the focus? It was on just spitting out the apology.
And even with sincere, appreciated words of contrition, such as UK Prime Minister David Cameron’s words about Bloody Sunday, the obsession is with how to say an apology and that not enough people give apologies.
I’m going to be a complete contrarian here: we have to stop focusing on who is asking for apologies and who is giving (or not giving) apologies. Instead, we need to focus on what people are doing after they give their apology. Because it is that behavior that matters. Period.
Anyone who has been wronged and desired an apology knows this: we want change. We want people to not do what they did. We didn’t want them to do it in the first place and we don’t want them to do it again.
Read the rest here.