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Posted by on Mar 11, 2015 in 2016 Presidential Election, International, Politics, Satire | 6 comments

Open Letters: First Iran, Now the World (Updates)

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Update III (No satire)

Testifying today before the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, Secretary of State John Kerry did not mince words when commenting on the infamous “letter of 47.”

He called it an “irresponsible” gambit that breaks with more than two centuries of U.S. foreign policy history, according to a report at the Huffington Post.

More from the Post:

“My reaction to the letter was utter disbelief,” Kerry said when asked about it by Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn.).
“You write to the leaders in the middle of a negotiation — particularly the leaders that they have criticized other people for even engaging with or writing to — to write then and suggest they were going to give a constitutional lesson, which by the way was absolutely incorrect, is quite stunning,” he went on.
Kerry noted that presidents often do create binding agreements with foreign governments on all manner of issues without congressional approval.
“This letter ignores more than two centuries of precedent in the conduct of American foreign policy,” said Kerry, adding that the suggestion that lawmakers would be willing to undo any presidential agreements “risks undermining the confidence that foreign governments in thousands of important agreements commit to between the United States and other countries.”
“It purports to tell the world that if you want to have any confidence in your dealings with America, they have to negotiate with 535 members of Congress,” he said. “That is both untrue and a profoundly bad suggestion to make.”

Michael McAuliff at the Post adds that Kerry had more to say, but was cut-off by committee Chairman Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) “chastising Kerry for delivering a ‘speech.’”

Kerry replied, “This is a statement about the impact of this irresponsible letter…I think you have to ask what people are trying to accomplish. The author of the letter says he doesn’t want these agreements to be made.”

Way to go Mr. Secretary

Update II: (No satire)

The Daily Beast reports that some Republicans who signed that infamous open letter to Iran’s leaders “are realizing it was a bad call,” a dumb idea.

Interestingly, the Senators don’t feel it was a bad call because their actions undermine the administration’s foreign policy negotiations or, as some claim, may have even been illegal, but rather because “Now, the Obama administration and its Capitol Hill partisans are cynically trying to push the conversation away from policy, and towards a deeply political pie fight over presidential and congressional prerogatives,” according to a Senate Republican aide whose boss signed the letter.

However (satire warning), the co-signer of the letter in question and sole author of another letter to all the world’s leaders (below), transplanted Canadian cowboy Ted Cruz, doubled down by saying, “If I had to do it all over again, I would be a little more frank and bellicose. But, hey, I’ll get my chance to do so in 2017.”

Update I:

North Korea must still be experiencing an internet outage or degradation because Kim Jong-un apparently has not yet received Ted Cruz’s open letter to world leaders — below.

Andy Borowitz over at the New Yorker reports that the North Korean dictator feels “snubbed” and said it was “hurtful” that 47 Republican senators would send a letter to Iran’s leaders and not to him.

Claiming he is just as longstanding an enemy to the United States as Iran is, Kim said, according to Borowitz, “Let’s just call it what it is: they’re playing favorites with enemies…I try not to take things personally, but it’s hard to see them sending letters to Iran without feeling a little bit hurt.”

And Borowitz adds:

“I don’t like to beat myself up, but part of me is like, ‘What does Iran have that I don’t have?’ ” he said. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like, when you actually get nuclear weapons, people start taking you for granted.”

Don’t worry, Kim, you’ll get Cruz’s letter eventually. To make up for the delay, who knows, Cruz may invite you to his new digs in 2017 to have real Texan-Canadian BBQ and watch “The Interview” together.

The two of you can then discuss an executive agreement to get rid of your nukes — an agreement Congress hopefully won’t sabotage.

Original Post:

The stunning success 47 Republican Senators have had with their Open Letter to Iran’s leaders has prompted the good Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, to venture out on his own with a personal Open Letter to all the world’s leaders:

Hi Y’All,

It has come to my attention while observing your discussions and negotiations with Barack Hussein Obama that you may not fully understand who he is and, more important, who I am. Thus, I am writing to bring to y’alls attention two features of our (Republican) political system — the power I have now to throw a wrench into the monkey works and the power I will have when elected president — which y’all should seriously consider as you negotiate with Barack.

First, the fellow you are negotiating with, for various legitimacy and related reasons, no longer has the authority to negotiate for our country, a country we took back in November of last year. In addition, anything “negotiated” by him and not approved by me is not worth the piece of Barack Hussein Obama stationary it is written on.

Second, the man you’re dealing with will leave office — thank our God — on January 20 , 2017 ( 684 days and counting) and any faux-agreements he manages to make and which I and my colleagues in the Senate fail to sabotage now, I will render null and void on that very same day with the stroke of a new presidential pen.

So you see, what these two extra-constitutional provisions mean is that any agreements between you and the man making nice with you and marking time on Pennsylvania Avenue are just a waste of your and my time.

I hope this enriches your knowledge of our Republican political system and promotes a mutual dislike and contempt for the man masquerading as our president.

Y’all take care now and come and see me soon in my new digs,

Ted Cruz, Senator of the Great State of Texas and next President of the United States

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Another is a series of articles on “Life Imitating Satire.”