BUZZ OFF, 2019: A POP QUIZ ON 2019’S TRUMPSTER FIRE
Year three of the man-child administration was much like his first two, only more so. But before you compel yourself, for the sake of your sanity, to forget so much of what you saw and heard, perhaps you can be tempted to test your smarts on last year’s most memorable rhetorical sewage. Give it a try. Amaze your family and pets. And no peeking at the answers below!
1. Trump frequently opined about wind turbine power (although, in his words, “I never understood wind”). He decreed that wind turbine power is responsible for several terrible things. Which ones?
a) It causes cancer
b) It spews tremendous tremendous amount of fumes
c) It forces us to flush toilets 10 times
d) It shatters our old-fashioned light bulbs
e) It gives us bird graveyards
2. True or false: Trump said that “there has never been, ever before, an administration that’s been so open and transparent.”
3. Trump falsely stated (for the fourth time) that a certain someone was “born in a very wonderful place in Germany.” To whom was he referring?
a) Hitler, who was actually born in Austria
b) Melania, who was actually born in Slovenia
c) His own father, who was actually born in New York
d) Hungarian dictator Viktor Orban, who was actually born in Hungary
4. Trump, referring to the Mueller report, said: “They did a report and there was no obstruction.” But according to the Mueller report, how many times did Trump commit obstruction of justice during the Russia probe?
a) Zero times. For once, Trump was accurate.
b) Three documented times
c) Six documented times
d) Ten documented times
5. True or false: Trump flunky Devin Nunes, the California congressman, sued a Twitter account called Devin Nunes’ Cow, because Devin Nunes’ cow had “bullied” him for moving his dairy farm from California to Nebraska.
6. “Crazy Nancy and Shifty Schiff” is…
a) A new hipster rock band in Brooklyn
b) A new cartoon show pitched by Stephen Colbert
c) An improv remark from Trump at a recent rally
d) A new ice cream flavor from Ben and Jerry
e) A trending Twitter hashtag
7. Trump recently said: “You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart? Right? The spies and treason, we used to handle it a little differently than we do now.” Who does he believe should be executed?
a) The NATO leaders who laughed at him behind his back
b) The patriotic civil servants who fed information to the Ukraine whistleblower
c) The patriotic diplomats who testified at the House impeachment hearings
d) The national security reporters who use anonymous sources
e) The Canadian broadcasters who cut his scene in “Home Alone 2”
8. Jeff Van Drew, the New Jersey congressman who was elected in ’18 as a Democrat, defected to the GOP and pledged his “undying support” to Trump. When voting on House bills in 2019, how often did he undyingly support Trump?
a) 83.7 percent of the time
b) 53.7 percent of the time
c) 11.7 percent of the time
9. A judge recently ordered Trump to pay $2 million in restitution. What had he done wrong this time? Which answer is true?
a) He’d stolen money that he fund-raised for military vets and spent it on himself
b) He’d shortchanged plaintiffs in the Trump University settlement
c) He’d screwed small contractors in Atlantic City, and finally had to pay up
d) He’d failed to pay Hachette Book Group after bulk-ordering 50,000 copies of Don Jr’s “Triggered”
10. True or False: Trump will become the first impeached president to win re-election, losing the popular vote by five million but eking out an Electoral College squeaker, which he will call the greatest landslide victory since the era of ancient Rome.
ANSWERS: 1. (a,b,e) 2. True 3. (c) 4. (d) 5. True, except that Nunes moved his cows to Iowa. 6. (c) 7. (b) 8. (c) 9. (a) 10. Who the heck knows? That one’s a freebie. Happy New Year!
Copyright 2019 Dick Polman, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Dick Polman, a veteran national political columnist based in Philadelphia and a Writer in Residence at the University of Pennsylvania, writes at DickPolman.net. Email him at [email protected]