There hasn’t been this much of a kerfuffle over beans since Blazing Saddles (that’s not mine. I stole it from CNN’s Michael Smerconish).

Robert Unanue, the president of Goya, the largest Hispanic-owned food company in the country, said the country was “blessed” to have the president’s (sic) leadership. Unanue was visiting the White House for a photo-op and compared Donald Trump to his grandfather, an immigrant from Spain who founded the food company in 1936. “We’re all truly blessed at the same time to have a leader like President (sic) Trump.”

Did Unanue’s grandfather immigrate from Spain and inherit Goya? Did his grandfather get loan after loan after loan from his father because he couldn’t run a business? Did his grandfather declare bankruptcy multiple times? Did he take loans from banks propped up by Russia? Did his grandfather refuse to pay contractors? Did his father grab them by the coño? If none of that is true, then what the fuck does the founder of Goya have in common with Trump?

Unanue’s praise was empty. He didn’t cite any specifics for Trump’s “leadership,” which is the word everyone who enters the White House is demanded to say. Unanue may as well have praised Donald Trump for being tall and for standing upright…mostly. And what’s the deal with praising his “leadership” during a pandemic he has mostly ignored and lied about? That’s not leadership.

Now, there is a call to boycott Goya which pains a lot of Hispanics and Latinos in doing so because this is a product they grew up with. Lina Baez-Rosario immigrated to this nation as a child from the Dominican Republic (a place Donald Trump couldn’t find on a map). She told The New York Times her parents cooked with familiar flavors from her home nation to keep her memories alive, and those flavors were found in Goya.

Baez-Rosario said, “If we are the main source of income, if you are targeting us and you are marketing toward us, then your responsibility is to every Latino person, at least in the United States.” That’s the basics of the boycott.

They say, know your market. For example: Donald Trump knows his market which is why he caters to racists who hate brown people. It seems the president of Goya, a company that is supported by brown people should fucking get that and not praise a guy who rips their families apart, throws their kids in cages, calls their nations “shitholes,” and defines those coming to the United States as “rapists” and “murderers.”

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted, “Oh look, it’s the sound of me Googling ‘how to make your own Adobo.’”

Goya put out a statement praising itself for donating 1 million cans of chickpeas and 1 million pounds of other products to food banks across the nation. Unanue said, “We are committed to our country and the need to give back because it is the right thing to do.”

On that note, Gonzolo Guzman, a chef in San Francisco said, “There are people out there that say they support the immigrant community, but at the end, money is stronger.” Yadira Garcia, founder and executive chef of Happy Healthy Latina said, “It’s really not a for-us by-us product. It’s just marketed to us like it is.”

Garcia criticized Goya’s lack of diversity saying, “You can’t just tell a part of our story and exalt a part of our story, and also profit off our pain and our joys, but not really truly be inclusive in our community. You can take our money, but we don’t have a seat at their table.”

The president of Goya went on Fox & Friends, who I’m sure find Tostitos mild salsa too spicy, and said, “I’m not apologizing for saying — and especially when you’re called by the president of the United States — you’re going to say, ‘No, I’m sorry, I’m busy. No thank you’?” Yes. You say, “No thank you, you racist orange gob of malignant cancer.” When this racist president (sic) calls you to come to Washington to kiss his ass, that’s exactly what you say. But then again, Unanue inherited his company too, so maybe he has more in common with the Donald Trumps of the world than the Latino/Hispanic community.

And then, Donald Trump tweeted, “I love Goya Foods.” In case you’ve never seen an unendorsement, that’s one right there. First off, Donald Trump, Mr. Taco Bowl, doesn’t eat Goya. This is a guy who has to have the menu at Taco Bell interpreted (in case you’re a Republican, “taco” means taco).

Ted Cruz tweeted, “Goya is a staple of Cuban food. My grandparents ate Goya black beans twice a day for nearly 90 years. And now the Left is trying to cancel Hispanic culture and silence free speech.” This motherfucker, born in Canada, said in 2016, “boycotting is a peaceful protest.” Andrew Kleefeld of Media Matters tweeted, “Ted Cruz has done more to stand up for canned beans than he’s done to stand up for his wife.” Also, Ted…your grandparents on your father’s side lived in Cuba. Did they have Goya, a U.S. product, in Cuba? Maybe you’re talking about your mother’s white parents, the Wilsons. And Goya was founded in 1936 (84 years ago) so how did your grandparents eat it twice a day for nearly 90 years? Liar.

The rest of the idiotic Trump base got upset about the boycott and pointed out how immature and destructive they are. Many of them pointed out that they would NEVER boycott a company for its opinion or actions.

Just last week, these fuckers were boycotting NASCAR over the Confederate flag. They once boycotted Starbucks because they didn’t put Santa Claus on a cup. I’m sure you’ve never heard a conservative say he was boycotting the NFL. Remember when they all destroyed their Keurig coffeemakers when the company pulled its advertising from Sean Hannity’s racist show for troglodytes? How about their boycott and destruction of Yeti Coolers for parting ways with the National Rifle Association? If you’re a conservative, are you still wearing Nikes after their endorsement of Colin Kaepernick…or still subscribing to Disney Plus? How dare they boycott Disney Plus after Ted Cruz’s grandparents have been watching it twice a day for the last 90 years.

The Heritage Foundation, the OFFICIAL obnoxious non-profit think tank of conservatism, published a column in 2018 saying conservatives MUST boycott companies that aren’t friendly to conservative assholes. For something a bit more recent, Gator Country, which probably isn’t the official mouthpiece for anything including actual alligators, published a list last June of companies to boycott.

The conservative asshole alligator guys list corporations like Starbucks, Netflix, Nike, Ben & Jerry’s, and link to another site, Investing Advice Watchdog that does the actual research for a full list of companies it describes as “anti-Trump.” Warning. It’s not a short list.

Trump sycophants are against boycotts except when they’re for them. That jives with being a nut weasel MAGAt because they already lying hypocrites who are full of crap.

So, on that note. Boycott Goya, when Trump calls, say “no,” and Ted Cruz is still a slimy lying sh-tweasel of a human being who’s probably never eaten a black bean in his slimy sh-tweasely life.

Watch me draw.

Email Clay Jones at [email protected]