Following up on my earlier column, in which you learned to understand the basic concept of money, it is only natural that you would now wish to get a large supply of it for yourself. The problem facing many of you, of course, is that you haven’t the first hint of an idea where to begin. You might be laboring under the tired, old “conventional wisdom” which seeks to convince you that you either need to be born into a family with vast riches or you need to work hard your entire life, saving and investing your money wisely. This, obviously, is complete balderdash – rumors spread by the wealthy to prevent you from ascending to their gentrified ranks.
The sad reality, unfortunately, is that very few of you will qualify for a luxurious government bailout. In order to receive one you would generally need to have already made tens, if not hundreds of millions of dollars – generally through shady methods- and then lost ten times that amount through a combination of malfeasance and incompetence while maintaining close ties to powerful politicians. For those of you who are eligible, send us a postcard from your new castle in the islands. For the rest… don’t let that dismay you! There are still plenty of ways for you to become incredibly rich in very little time, providing you’re willing to make the effort to get started. In our continuing effort to help readers of The Moderate Voice, we will today examine the top five of these methods.
1. Win the Lottery: You may be one of millions of Americans who have fallen for the story that “almost nobody ever wins the lottery” and that the odds are stacked hugely against you. Nonsense. These are urban legends started by previous winners seeking to keep all the money for themselves. The truth is that all of the states pull many numbers each week, generally in more than one drawing. You only need to pick, on average, six numbers. Stop and think about it. Those numbers have to come up eventually. It’s just common sense. Odds are that your numbers have already come up, probably more than once. You’re just not playing every week and in enough states. The tickets are only a dollar each. You could make that much panhandling or simply cutting off your children’s allowance. The only reason you haven’t won yet is that you’re not trying hard enough, and you really have nobody to blame but yourself.
2. Capture Osama bin Laden: There’s still a $25 million bounty on the guy which nobody has collected. That sounds like some pretty sweet retirement money to me. I know what you’re thinking: “But this is a man who top professionals have been looking for since 2001. How am I supposed to find him?” Think about it for a moment. These are the same “top professionals” who have spent lifetimes searching for the weapons of mass destruction, the cause of the housing crisis, John Gotti’s body and bigfoot. Frankly, I doubt you’d run across two of them who could find magnetic north with a compass or their ass with both hands. With even a room temperature IQ I’m certain you could do better.
Air fares are at an all time low and guns are readily available until the next administration takes over the White House. Also, the economy in the area where your target is hanging out makes America’s economy look like… well… like America’s economy back in the 90’s. Everything is cheap over there. Get yourself and a friend over to Afghanistan. You’ll just need some warm clothes, sleeping bags and a tent. You should also pick up a handy tourist book to teach you a few helpful Afghani phrases such as, “Where can I buy something to eat?” or “Is there a toilet around here besides that hole in the ground?” and “Oh, by the way, you haven’t seen Osama bin Laden, have you?” NOTE: Most of those people look remarkably similar in dress and hair styles, so you may have to take down quite a few of them before getting the right one. Don’t worry. They don’t have much in the way of news reporting, law enforcement or literacy over there. You’ll be fine, so don’t give up hope!
3. Cure a Horrible Disease: Again, you are probably dubious. “Wait a minute. I’m no doctor. I don’t have a research laboratory or a medical school education.” Guess what? You don’t need one. When was the last time these so-called “professionals” actually cured anything? Let me remind you: it was polio. They’ve cured nothing since then because, as far as the medical and pharmaceutical industries are concerned, there’s no money in curing diseases. Cured people don’t keep coming back every couple of weeks and taking ten different pills every day.
Original medical breakthroughs all came through a series of trial and error experiments. It’s nothing you can’t do yourself. Just start grinding up random plants and animal parts that you find and keeping track of all the samples. Now, you can’t test them on yourself, because (1) you probably don’t already have a convenient incurable disease and (2) you might die. Instead, start up a blog offering “FREE trial test programs” to cure every disease in the books. Sick people are generally financially strapped and desperate, so they will flock to your site for a chance at a cure. Make sure they all sign carefully worded waivers absolving you from all responsibility and keep careful records of who you send your cures to, what disease they have, and what their names are. Many will experience no effects and some will get worse or die, but eventually you’ll hit on a winner. At that point you can sell your discovery to Big Pharma for a huge chunk of change, which they will then burn. After all, they don’t really want to cure anyone, but hey… you’ll be retired in the islands and able to afford a really good witch doctor.
4. Capture and Kill a Cryptozoological Lifeform: The money will flow in like an Asian-Pacific tsunami if you are the one to finally bring in the actual corpse of a Bigfoot, the New Jersey Devil, a North American Black Panther or an extra-terrestrial. The reason so many others have failed in this search is that they simply don’t believe in the existence of these elusive creatures strongly enough, they give up too easily and they look in the wrong places. Avoid these pitfalls and you should be cashing in big time in no time.
First, where do you look? Obviously you will focus your search in the deep south and mountain West, generally near trailer parks or anyplace where large numbers of people who voted for Mike Huckabee tend to congregate. Bring a high powered rifle, wait around long enough and your prey will show up eventually. Most importantly, do not abandon your belief! Even if you start shooting and you hear yelling from the bushes, screaming, “Oh my God! Stop shooting! I’m a human!” keep right on firing. Those creatures are tricky as all get out. When you finally bag your prize, call the National Enquirer immediately. They will show up with a check for you within hours.
5. Sell Your Extra Body Organs: As any government official in China will tell you, the market for healthy bodily organs is exploding right now. Many people would encourage you to donate your spare parts to family members, friends or the needy. That’s really great if you happen to already be wealthy, but it doesn’t do you much good if you’re seeking an early retirement. In this endeavor you will need to shake off the weepy sentimentality and take a page from Rod Blagojevich’s book. That’s a bleeping golden thing you have and you shouldn’t be giving it away for bleeping nothing. In fact, don’t just negotiate a deal with the first sickly rich person you find. Once again, the Internet is your friend, so start up an auction and make them bid for it. The final price will be much higher and you’ll be sipping fruit flavored cocktails at poolside all the sooner for it.
So there you have it. These are the five top ways to find fabulous wealth as quickly as possible. Please e-mail us some pictures of your new digs in paradise and share your success stories with the other readers of The Moderate Voice. Good luck!