The Foggy Crystal Ball (Guest Voice)
The Foggy Crystal Ball
Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
The heck is going on here, people? Did someone drop the flag signaling the start of the 2016 presidential election race in secret? Was there a furtive whispered “go now” left on the voice mail of all the major players in the 202 area code? Thirty-six months before the election? Is it possible to earn extra credit by skipping this one and moving right on to 2020?
The most recent media-consumed fever-dream boils down to Chris Christie versus Hillary Clinton. Although, two weeks ago, Ted Cruz was the presumptive GOP nominee. Didn’t Hillary use up her inevitability card in 2008? When she was destined to face off against Rudy Giuliani? How’d that end up?
But a lack of consistency hasn’t kept the talking heads from jabbering their HD faces off. Money is being raised. Polls conducted. Seriously? Can’t we wait until the midterms are over? Winter Olympics? Thanksgiving?
Predicting the nominees right now is like betting on what the weather will be like in Wisconsin in April. Ten years from now. If everyone is so damn clairvoyant, why don’t they throw some money down on lottery tickets? These modern-day alchemists might be better off focusing their skills on spinning straw into gold.
A week in politics is a lifetime. A month is two eternities. But three years is like an afternoon at your great aunt’s, while uncle Harry — with the mole on his nose that 4-inch hairs grow out of — shows slides of their recent trip to the Azores.
We’re not talking jumping the gun, this is more like jumping the application of the lane chalk. Think of all the stuff that could happen between now and 2016.
By the year 2016, Hillary Clinton could be on trial for domestic abuse.
By the year 2016, Chris Christie might have left politics for his one true love, the field of competitive eating.
By the year 2016, Joe Biden might have single-handedly pulled six Navy SEALs out of a burning helicopter. And two puppies.
By the year 2016, the oceans could rise so high that California and Florida are totally taken out of the electoral equation.
By the year 2016, the Tea Party might be holding its annual convention in the banquet room of a Casper, Wyoming Applebee’s.
By the year 2016, the primaries may come down to whoever looks best in a full-body containment suit.
By the year 2016, Mitt Romney could very well have had a new user-friendly operating system installed.
By the year 2016, Elizabeth Warren might have resigned the Senate and moved to China to organize Apple workers.
By the year 2016, John Edwards could have found Jesus and rehabilitated himself. Probably not.
By the year 2016, Rick Perry, in the midst of another execution frenzy, may have accidentally signed an order resulting in his own.
By the year 2016, Sarah Palin might have said something so monumentally silly that her head exploded.
By the year 2016. Democrats might be holding their annual convention in the banquet room of a Cambridge, Massachusetts Olive Garden.
By the year 2016, Jeb Bush might change his last name to something less polarizing, like Hitler. Or Nixon.
By the year 2016, the city of Chicago could still be in flames from the celebration that followed the Cubs winning the World Series. Probably not.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at [email protected] Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.