With the onset of a new year upon us, the time has once again come for clean slates and fresh starts. With that in mind, I think it is high time that I revealed some of the deep, dark secrets which should be brought to light in our new era of hope, change and open government. The largest of these, of course, is Global Warming.
You often hear many Democrats talking about global warming as a man-made phenomenon, but blaming it on industrial activity, pollution, and a lack of government controls over human activity. Republicans, on the other hand, will regularly tell you that the entire tale is poppycock which would happen in the normal course of events and is likely the fault of cows. Listening to the two sides should – had you been paying attention – have alerted you to the fact that both of these were ludicrous cover stories hiding a much larger, darker truth.
First, let me assure you that global warming is very real, and it is man made in nature. But the root cause is hardly what you may think. Today, as we prepare for the dawn of 2009, your eyes shall be opened. The modern era of these events truly kicked into gear in 1976. From the time of the Roswell incident in 1947 until the early 70’s, Prescott Bush (a representative of the World Shadow Government or WSG) had been working with aliens to allow their insertion into Earth society. In exchange for advanced technology and a promise of leadership positions in the new, alien dominated order, the Bush family was providing the aliens with research facilities where genetic modifications were sought to allow the extraterrestrial visitors to exist in Earth’s environment. They required considerably higher temperatures and an atmosphere with higher levels of carbon dioxide and other so-called “greenhouse gasses.”
Sadly, these experiments proved fruitless. In the never-say-die attitude of all Americans, Prescott and the aliens decided that if they couldn’t modify the visitors’ bodies to suit the planet’s environment, they would modify the environment to be more hospitable to the aliens. Under orders from the WSG, Gerald Ford brought in George H.W. Bush to run the CIA. They embarked on a series of programs to keep oil production at a maximum and the unbridled discharge of greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere at the fastest rates possible. This began to transform the world environment. Members of the Bush Family and their supporters were assured that, once the transformation was complete, they would be placed in charge of the newly enslaved human population and kept safe in climate controlled environments.
These programs continued, with only brief interruptions in the 90’s, through the administration of George W. Bush, exemplified by Dick Cheney’s energy programs which would purchase and burn more Middle East oil than ever and encourage Detroit to build Humvees. However, the aliens were running out of time and life support systems. John McCain was enlisted, over the opposition of many conservative Republicans not involved in the plot, to take over a more ambitious program of Earth modification over the next ten years. This led to McCain’s introduction of various acceleration programs code named “Drill Here Drill Now” and the farcical “clean coal technology” which would finally make the planet habitable by our new alien overlords in the next decade.
A severe wrench was thrown into the works this year, however, when the populace unexpectedly elected Barack Obama to be the next president, along with all of his alternative energy and “planet friendly” proposals which would seek to undo all of the generations long work of the Bush family and the WSG. Obama was unaware that his Vice Presidential nominee, Joe Biden, had long been working with both the WSG and the credit card companies, and Joe attempted to warn us during the campaign that Obama “would be tested” early in his first term, if elected. What he meant, of course, was that the aliens would soon be taking matters into their own hands, but America foolishly elected Obama anyway.
So, I’m sorry to report that this is the Happy New Year that you have in store. Shortly after Obama is sworn in, Aliens will descend upon the planet. They will begin strip mining coal and all other fossil fuels and burning them in mass, while setting fire to the rain forests to gin up the temperatures and the production of the gasses they need to survive. Having revealed this information, I’m sure that my own safety will be endangered, but in the spirit of the season I felt that I owed it to our loyal readers to give you some advanced warning. So, with that in mind, I would like to still wish all of you the happiest, safest of New Years and my hopes that you will all be able to…
… excuse me. There’s someone at the door. I’ll be right back.
(*@&$ $#**(…… #I$Y# ,,,,,……. CARRIER LOST…….