Once, Twice, Three Times a Bleep Sandwich
by Clay Jones
Today’s blog entry is going to contain the word “sh–” about a dozen times, so if you’re offended by that sort of thing then you might wanna wander over to something a bit less tawdry. Sorry for smutting up the internet today.
When Robert Harward refused Trump’s offer to become his national security adviser he declined and cited his current job and time with his family. Friends of his report that he said no because the offer was a “sh– sandwich.”
Last week when Chris Christie visited the White House for dinner Trump told everyone to order whatever they want, but he and Chris were going to have the meatloaf. I’m sorry, what?
There’s nothing wrong with a good meatloaf. I make a killer meatloaf. But if a kitchen’s best offering is meatloaf then you’re gonna wanna find another place to eat. Also, Donald Trump eats Big Macs, KFC, and burned steak that’s probably served with ketchup. Do you really want his culinary recommendations?
Chris Christie didn’t eat the meatloaf. Christie ate the sh– sandwich. Christie has been eating the sh– sandwich ever since he dropped out of the presidential race and endorsed Trump.
Christie, a current governor of a genuine state, has made runs to McDonald’s for Trump. That’s a sh– sandwich. He obediently left an event and got on a plane to go home once when Trump told him too. That’s another sh– sandwich. He was going to be Trump’s vice president. Once again, sh– sandwich. He was leading Trump’s transition team but was kicked out of that position. Maybe we’ll try something other than…nope. Sh– sandwich. Christie has been eating a lot of sh– sandwiches.
Finally it looked like he was about to get some respect. He was invited to the White House for dinner with the president. That’s usually a high compliment and an acknowledgement that you’re really important, even if that president is Donald Trump. But Christie didn’t get the respect. Instead what he got was being emasculated once again by The Donald.
Trump didn’t want him to eat the meatloaf because it was so damn good. He wanted to show the other guests that Christie would do whatever he tells him to do. He was told to eat the sh– sandwich.
Have you ever been told by a friend while at a restaurant that you should order something particular that they loved? They swear it’s awesome. That establishment makes the best Reuben sandwich ever. You believe them and say I’m sure it’s great but I’m more in the mood for the burger tonight. You’re not insulting them. You’re just not a poodle. You eat what you want to eat. Not what people tell you to eat unless it’s your mother (and I don’t care how old you are. If mom fixes you something to eat you better eat it. I don’t care if it’s someone else’s mom. You’re eating it).
Not Chris Christie. Now in Christie’s defense he’ll probably eat anything. But if you’re at the White House and you have choices are you going to eat the meatloaf on your only visit? I can see eating the meatloaf if it’s your tenth trip and you want to change things up. I don’t see eating the meatloaf because Trump commands it. If I went there wanting meatloaf and Trump told me to eat meatloaf, I’d order something else. I’d order chicken and dumplings and I hate chicken and dumplings. It’s that one food that I couldn’t finish when I was a child and was forced to remain at the table until I cleaned my plate. I’d eat chicken and dumplings before I snacked on Trump’s sh– sandwich.
While the governor of New Jersey thought he was eating meatloaf, he was actually eating the sh– sandwich and he liked it. He went on a radio show to tell the world that Donald Trump’s shit sandwich is the best shit sandwich you could ever eat and he’ll always be eating Trump’s sh– sandwiches.
The problem is Trump wants all of us to eat his shit sandwiches. He tells the world the media is the enemy because they won’t eat his sh– sandwich. If you’re one of those people who voted for Trump, you ate the shit sandwich. If you’re one of those who are saying “give him a chance,” you’re still eating the shit sandwich.
There are other items on the menu but you’ll probably keep eating that sh– sandwich.
No thanks. I’m good. I’ll have what that other president ordered. What was one of Obama’s favorites? Cheeseburgers. Do you recall that conservatives once gave him, well, a lot of shit, for putting mustard on a burger? How dare he not use ketchup. Ketchup is for children and orange presidents. Ketchup is what helps create a sh– sandwich.
Creative Notes: I started this cartoon at my local coffee shop but those f—- closed at midnight (I already wrote “shit” twenty times so one “fucker,” oops, two, should be OK at this point). I wasn’t even halfway done with the cartoon.
Since I forgot my desk chair I had to find something to sit on while drawing. I can’t draw standing or sitting up in bed. It doesn’t work for me. I found a metal folding chair outside. It’s a little too close to the ground but it worked. I kinda feel like I’m a kid at the big table. maybe I should have sat on a book.
Sometimes I’ll choose a title because it amuses me and I won’t care if anyone else is amused or understands it all. But you know the singer Meatloaf, right? He had that song, “once, twice, three times a lady?” Yeah, well I thought it was funny for the title of this blog. Anyone who doesn’t like can go eat a…
Update: OK. I was just corrected by my ex wife. That never changes. She pointed out that I confused “once, twice, three times” by the COMMODORES with “two out of three ain’t bad” by Meatloaf. That totally screws up the title of this blog and cartoon….but eh. It’s staying. Can I blame it on listening to the Foo Fighters the entire time I was drawing this?
Second update: Did you know the president has to pay for his own food? It’s true. Not state dinner stuff but if he has a party, bbq in the backyard, or just his or his family’s meal, he has to pay for it. A follower on Twitter said that could be why he made Christie order the meatloaf. Yeah, Trump is rich but he’s notoriously cheap. He’s an unhappy miser.
Clay Jones can be reached at [email protected]
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