Dear Ben,
I’m not an investment bank, not a hedge fund, not any kind of major player on Wall Street. But I know that your efforts to save the economy aren’t just geared to making the big people whole, but to helping little folks, plain old Americans, such as myself. So I’m hoping you can extend to me the same kind of deals you are now daily dishing out in giant dollops to Wall Streeters. Specifically:
1. I have a lot of lousy investments I made in hopes of a financial killing that are now killing me financially. You took over Bear Stearns sub-prime portfolio as part of your bailout of that outfit. Could you take over my own financial turkeys, and add them to the growing pool of losers in the government’s portfolio?
2. I have a slew of debts I can’t pay because I also leveraged a lot in order to make a personal packet. Could you kindly over these debts as well?
3. You’re practically giving money away to banks, practically begging them to take greenbacks on outrageously favorable terms. Heck, you won’t have to beg me. Lend me money on similar terms and I’ll grab for it in an instant.
4. And on the matter of lower interest rates. These are great for bank profits but have not trickled down to me. My own borrowing costs are still way too expensive. So why not just cut out the middle man. Lend to me at 2 percent directly. I’ll borrow enough to pay off all my credit cards that are now charging 19 percent interest, and my finances will improve dramatically overnight.
Don’t get me wrong, Ben. I know the theory has always been that if an institution or individual is too big to fail, the government will bail them out. And I have no problem with that. After all, even the rich and powerful deserve such basic rights. All I’m asking is an equal shot at the federal money pot.
You got the printing presses. I’ve got the need. Let’s make a deal.
Your pal in Philly,
Mike Silverstein