Why Not Arm The Students, Too?

South Dakota has just enacted a law that lets teachers carry guns in their classrooms. Not a bad idea. Sure, the chances of a crazed gunman coming to a school in the state and doing the horrible things done recently in Connecticut are…well…infinitesimal. And there are so many better and safer ways to protect students against such a happening than arming teachers.

But hey. There’s the Second Amendment. Right

But if you’re gonna do a Second Amendment number that envisions arming teachers to defend their classrooms, doesn’t it make even more sense to arm the students in these classrooms as well? You know. In case there’s more than one crazed killer coming in to do a shoot-em-up. You don’t want an outnumbered teacher standing alone defending her charges with a single AK-47, when youngsters armed with their own pistols can join in the defense. (NOTE: Students shouldn’t have bigger guns than their teachers, it might undermine classroom discipline).

Well, gotta run. Gotta get back to my VCR and another viewing (the 121st I think) of my favorite Second Amendment movie.

No, not “Red Dawn.” That was a good one, and darn realistic, too. A bunch of American teens armed to the teeth defeating Russian parachutists led by an evil Cuban seeking to occupy America and seize our womenfolk to sate their unspeakable foreign lusts. No, my favorite Second Amendment flick is “Tremors.”

There’s that wonderful scene in “Tremors” where a monstrous critter (possibly spawned by Mexican scientists, though this is never actually stated) tries to break into an American couple’s rec room through its wall, not realizing the rec room’s American occupants are well armed with every caliber firearm, small and large, up to and including an elephant gun that finally sends the critter back to its liberal hell.

Maybe we should make “Tremors” part of the national school curriculum. Along with reading, writing, pledging allegiance to the flag, and teachings Judeo-Christian theology. Just an idea. Premature, maybe. But if we manage somehow to get it before the Scalia court…

(See a parrot, a French bulldog and two baby boomers save the world in Kay Wood’s wry and funny graphic novel, The Big Belch. It’s a Kickstarter project that really, really deserves your support!)

11 Comments

  1. Let’s just cut to the chase and require everyone to be armed. This is the obvious solution to all our woes.

  2. Give them time, Michael. After all, they need to decide whether to start firearms training in kindergarten or first grade.

  3. I have a problem arming the little kids with guns.
    (1) Their back packs are already too heavy, by far, and there aren’t enough child physical therapists at present. So I suggest swapping a 3-pound history book for a DVD to allow for the extra gun weight.
    (2) However, why give the arms manufactures more revenue. The “Make My Play” miniature pistol, .22cal, and the Donald Duck Duster, .32cal would swell their evil coffers, especially when states like SD will give them tax breaks. What instead, you ask. Well, the higher grades should be making economical zip guns in shop class for boys and pepper filled creme puffs in Home Economics class for the girls.
    (3) These weapons of class destruction are then sold to the lower grades and the money split between the schools to produce the lightweight educational DVDs and the kids get to put their money in a special IRA.
    (4) The higher grades will retain upgraded versions of the pistols and pepper puffs for their protection.

    Please, before you call these ideas crazy please call the legislators in South Dakota. They know a good idea when they hear one.

  4. And while our children are busy manufacturing weapons of mass violence, lets be sure we screen them for mental illnesses, but never deny putting weapons in their waiting hands, to protect them from deviant loonies.

    I love the humor and satire involved in this piece, by the author as well as the comenters. But I certainly hope that one day it doesn’t become mandatory for teachers to defend classrooms with Glock 9mm handguns. I have two sisters who have made their life’s vocation, to be involved with educating our young people, and attempting to instill values by example. They didn’t go into their profession with the understanding that they might be expected to defend their classrooms with semi-automatic weapons in gun battles that could very well prove fatal, either to them, or their students. Sometimes I think that the NRA and the gun industry should be required to consult with mental patients in order to monitor their own sanity. Successful treatment would conclude with the realization that even the physical availability of weapons to the wrong people, can be enough to cause tragedy!

    It may be true that guns do not kill people all by themselves, but enabling their easy access to people with violent intentions certainly doesn’t help matters much either!

  5. Weapons of “class destruction”, if you please.

  6. It may be true that guns do not kill people all by themselves, but enabling their easy access to people with violent intentions certainly doesn’t help matters much either!

    Game… Set… And Match.

  7. Let’s not forget the students need to be armed for protection from teachers they disagree and argue with. Someone has to win the argument, one way or another.

  8. “We don’t need no education.
    We don’t need no gun contro.
    No dark Bushmaster in the classroom.
    Teachers leave them guns alone.
    Hey! teachers! leave the guns alone!
    All in all it’s just another Glock in the hall.
    All in all you’re just another gun in the hall.”

    Not the most creative, but that’s what insomnia does to me.

  9. And that’s the Wall.

  10. Being armed will certainly help during contract negotiations when teachers suddenly turn into union thugs.

  11. :-)

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