NEWS BULLETIN: Tim Russert Recovering
This report has just come out from veteran journalist Andy Borowitz:
TIM RUSSERT REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS AFTER ONE-HOUR INTERVIEW WITH KERRY
Newsman ‘Doing Well,’ Doctors Say
â€œMeet the Pressâ€? host Tim Russert is â€œslowly regaining consciousnessâ€? after suffering a one-hour interview with Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) on Sunday, Mr. Russertâ€™s doctors said today.
The NBC newsman, who is said to be resting comfortably and â€œdoing wellâ€? at George Washington University Hospital in Washington, D.C., experienced what is being termed a â€œmajor concussionâ€? after his head hit his desk during the hour-long conversation with the former Democratic nominee.
Trouble began for Mr. Russert when Mr. Kerry launched into a lengthy post-mortem of his ill-fated 2004 campaign, causing the newsman to appear heavy-lidded and drowsy.
It was in the middle of one of Mr. Kerryâ€™s long-winded answers about his campaign strategy that Mr. Russertâ€™s head jerked upright suddenly before crashing to the desk with a loud thud.
Mr. Russert was immediately flown via helicopter to the hospital where surgeons performed emergency surgery to reduce pressure on his brain, chief surgeon Philip Brodier confirmed today.
â€œWe determined that he did not need anesthesia since he had just been speaking with Senator Kerry,â€? Dr. Brodier said.
In a briefing with reporters from his hospital bed, Mr. Russert reflected on the difficulty he had staying awake during his one-hour conversation with the former Democratic standard-bearer: â€œFor the life of me, I donâ€™t know how Teresa does it.â€?
In an official statement later in the day, Teresa Heinz Kerry responded, â€œThe secret is not listening to him.â€?
Elsewhere, President Bush said he was pleased by the voter turnout in Sundayâ€™s Iraqi elections, telling reporters, â€œThe Iraqi people have given the purple finger to terror.â€?
Copyright 2005 Andy Borowitz
(P.S.: To those who need it spelled out, this is a s-a-t-i-r-e by satirist Andy Borowitz, one of the best in the business).