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Posted by on Feb 1, 2005 in At TMV | 0 comments

NEWS BULLETIN: Tim Russert Recovering

This report has just come out from veteran journalist Andy Borowitz:


Newsman ‘Doing Well,’ Doctors Say

“Meet the Press� host Tim Russert is “slowly regaining consciousness� after suffering a one-hour interview with Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) on Sunday, Mr. Russert’s doctors said today.

The NBC newsman, who is said to be resting comfortably and “doing well� at George Washington University Hospital in Washington, D.C., experienced what is being termed a “major concussion� after his head hit his desk during the hour-long conversation with the former Democratic nominee.

Trouble began for Mr. Russert when Mr. Kerry launched into a lengthy post-mortem of his ill-fated 2004 campaign, causing the newsman to appear heavy-lidded and drowsy.

It was in the middle of one of Mr. Kerry’s long-winded answers about his campaign strategy that Mr. Russert’s head jerked upright suddenly before crashing to the desk with a loud thud.

Mr. Russert was immediately flown via helicopter to the hospital where surgeons performed emergency surgery to reduce pressure on his brain, chief surgeon Philip Brodier confirmed today.

“We determined that he did not need anesthesia since he had just been speaking with Senator Kerry,� Dr. Brodier said.

In a briefing with reporters from his hospital bed, Mr. Russert reflected on the difficulty he had staying awake during his one-hour conversation with the former Democratic standard-bearer: “For the life of me, I don’t know how Teresa does it.�

In an official statement later in the day, Teresa Heinz Kerry responded, “The secret is not listening to him.�

Elsewhere, President Bush said he was pleased by the voter turnout in Sunday’s Iraqi elections, telling reporters, “The Iraqi people have given the purple finger to terror.�

Copyright 2005 Andy Borowitz

(P.S.: To those who need it spelled out, this is a s-a-t-i-r-e by satirist Andy Borowitz, one of the best in the business).