If the bed sheets were the kind stolen from high-priced hotels, then there may have been enough threads to keep them warm during cool weather.

However, not many ancient Romans could afford to stay in a high-priced hotels. So, they were stuck wearing the bargain bed sheets sold at Walmart.

Where the residents of Delta Tau Chi got their bed sheets has never been revealed in public, but it is likely that men of Delta House snuck into a high-priced hotel.

Fortunately for the ancient Romans, they were the beneficiaries of a warming trend.

From a bunch of climate scientists whom you probably never heard of:

“The most solid image that emerges of this trans-Mediterranean comparison is the persistent regional occurrence of a distinct warm phase during the Roman Period. This record comparison consistently shows the Roman as the warmest period of the last 2 kyr, about 2°C warmer than average values for the late centuries for the Sicily and Western Mediterranean regions.”

With the climate being that warm, it is no wonder that toga parties were all the rage in ancient Rome.

Along with wearing bed sheets, the ancient Romans also had a fifth for an entire month.

I don’t mean that fifth, but they probably had something like it, too.

I mean that the ancient Romans had a month that they called Quintilis, which translates in to English as Fifth.

Yeah, Fifth would have been a great name for a month of drinking, but the ancient Romans preferred to use a Latin name instead. Considering the way that they acted, you’d think that the ancient Romans spoke Latin instead of English.

Alas, the Roman month of Quintilis wasn’t about drinking. It was called Quintilis because it was the fifth month on the Roman calendar. The ancient Romans sure were creative when it came to naming months.

Then, Julius Caesar took charge of Rome and decided to rename the month after himself. Thus Quintilis was changed to July. Afterwards, the Roman merchants who sold calendars wanted a fifth …

… because they were stuck with a bunch of calendars that had Quintilis instead of July as the fifth month. Nobody wanted to buy a calendar that Julius Caesar didn’t approve of.

To add insult to injury, when these merchants went to buy their favorite liquor, they discovered that Quintilis-brand gin was no longer sold. In its place was this stuff:

Plus, the merchants couldn’t afford stay at high-priced hotels. Instead, they stayed at La Quinta, hoping that the place lived up to its name.

They should have stayed at Delta House because then they could have worn better-quality bed sheets.

Right, Bluto?