It Ain’t Just Moses: Everyday Jewish Super Heroes

By Michael Ginsberg

The creator of Superman was Jewish; some believe Superman himself was Jewish, and, yes, Wonder Woman is Israeli. However, Superman’s creator has died, Superman himself hasn’t been seen in years, and Wonder Woman’s last movie was a critical flop.

So, what are we left with among Jewish Superheroes? We’ve got plenty of historic figures – from Moses to Mordechai to the Maccabees – but we’re in the midst of a calendar drought between Passover and Hannukah. We need new Jewish superheroes: members of the tribe with long-term contracts and powers beyond those of mortal men and women.

For your consideration: a new generation of Hebraic Heroes. All we have to do is flash “Nu?” across the night sky. (In daylight, Facebook will have to suffice.) They may not wear Spandex, and they can’t change the course of mighty rivers or bend steel with their bare hands (as Superman was alleged to do; we’ll have to take what we can get.

Nu? What are you waiting for? Call them.

1. Harry the Handelman
Harry can handle any crisis with his unique ability to handle any crisis. Call “The Handel” to pull a drowning kid from a raging river; extract a student whose “friends” trap him in his school locker, as a snowstorm shuts down the school; yank a little kid from fast-moving traffic; or escort an out-of-control shopper from a runaway clearance sale. It’s Harry to the rescue (for a small retainer fee).

2. Bagel Boy
Dipped into boiling water in an industrial accident, Bagel Boy can now change into a human inner tube (garlic, onion or everything) and perform rescues from swimming pools, raging rivers, avalanches, mud slides and bad films.
Bagel Boy’s nemesis: Lox Luther, head of the Kosher Nosetra crime syndicate.

3. Billy the Kidder
This loud, obnoxious Catskills comedian ridicules villains into retirement or late-night TV commercials.
“Hey, Mr. Big Shot mobster: Yeah, you with the ugly hat. Way too big. Must have been made for someone with a brain.”
Billy’s alleged parents are Don Rickles and Joan Rivers. His nemeses: Don Rickles and Joan Rivers.

4. Matzo mom
Momma can pass over from challah to matzo in seconds, flattening herself and squeezing into tight spots for a rescue, or striking like a Frisbee to separate bad guys from their weapons. With pinpoint accuracy, she also can hit an on-off switch from miles away to activate any or all of the Ten Plagues or release the sea: Red, Dead or otherwise.
Nemesis: Happy Yeaster, who can make Mamma rise for the occasion.

5. Moishe the Mensch
Such a nice young man, he always holds the doors and carries groceries for old folks and young crooks. He once lent his jumper cables to help bank robbers escape after a heist. When Moishe realized he’d been used, he followed the crooks to their next bank heist, flattened their tires and offered them a ride . . . straight to jail. He may be a mensch, but he’s not a schlemiel.

6. Minnie the Moyl
Need a passport, quick? A tax refund? A doctor’s appointment? A low-interest loan? Minnie cuts through red tape to “produce” what’s needed, and even performs an occasional bris.
Her slogan: “A Cut Above.”
Her nemeses: Mishugah the Knife, Filet-er on the Roof, Francois the Fork.

7. Rabbi R. E. Kliner
Super Power: Sermons induce deep sleep, assist in therapy, apnea treatment, and ending prison riots, jailbreaks and political rallies.
Nemesis: “Showboat” Sol Slumsky. Shows up for crowds – only for crowds. Reportedly won’t do funerals for fewer than 300.
His slogan: “They’re dying to get me there.”

8. Gilda “The Kvetsch” Guiltowitz
Super Power: The Wizard of Whine, she shames ne’er-do-wells into apologizing.
Slogan: “You don’t know what pain I feel when you act like such a nogoodnik. Oy, my sciatica.”
Nemesis: Manny “Socio” Psychowitz: “Wha-at? That wasn’t me. I was home all evening.”

9. Sandy Cold Facts
Nickname: The Jew Who Threw.
Achievements: Struck out every batter he ever faced. Never lost a game or endorsement. Still remembered for his fabulous feats (reportedly size 15). Super Sandy even won a World Series game on Yom Kippur, although he didn’t pitch.
You can look it up.

* * * * *

NEW INDUCTEE IN JEWISH SUPERHERO HALL OF FAME

10. Uncle “Doc” Moe

True story. Growing up in Brooklyn, I had my own superhero: Uncle Moe. The world knew him as Dr. Morris Grosfeld, “Doctor Moe,” my mother’s oldest brother and a physician on the Lower East Side, primarily serving family members and poor immigrants, all for free. But I reveled in the story I heard at every Passover seder about Moe’s heroics, growing up in Brooklyn’s tough Bushwick neighborhood.

A neighborhood bully repeatedly pushed around Moe’s younger brother, Sam, until Moe came to his brother’s rescue, beating up the bully and chasing him all the way to The Bronx.

The bully never again laid a finger on Sam, but he caused tsuris for a lot of others. Pharaoh and Hamen had nothing on this certified bad guy, who built Las Vegas into a gambler’s – and gangster’s – paradise.
His name: Bugsy Seigel: aka “The Bug.”

Bugsy from Bushwick was bumped off at age 41 in a bloody Beverly Hills shootout, but he had already been Moed down in Brooklyn.

You can support Uncle Moe and the rest of today’s Jewish superheroes in their battles against those farshtinkener villains out there. Join the League of Jewish Superheroes (LJS).
Act now and receive a free UNCLE MOE ACTION FIGURE. He’ll deliver hours of fun, and he squashes bugs.