(Note: Details of the following program will be discussed on today’s edition of Mid Stream Radio at 10 am Eastern time.)
My fellow Americans,
Much time and energy has been spent debating both the need and nature of massive health care reform in our great nation. Unfortunately, while this is very admirable, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. That’s why I’m here today to unveil our new PonyCare program.
It is well known that all children love ponies. But for too long now, here in this richest of all nations, tens of millions of American boys and girls go to bed each night without owning a pony, but knowing that a wealthy and privileged few families have children with two or even three ponies.
According to the latest Census Bureau estimates, there are approximately 25 million ponyless children currently living near or under the poverty level in America. (Unlike some of our other proposals, we will not inflate the numbers here to include families who could actually afford a pony for their children quite easily, but have simply chosen not to purchase one and left their kids crying themselves to sleep.) When purchased at wholesale costs, ponies can be had for approximately 300 dollars. This means that every needy child will now be able to have a pony and it will only cost taxpayers 7.5 Billion dollars. And let’s face it, we spend that much every year on fifteen different NIH studies like that one on condoms we’re starting next week.
Now, we understand that not everyone can come to a distribution center to pick up and transport a pony. In fact, some families may foolishly not even want to. So we are also announcing the formation of the New Pony Express. This groundbreaking program will not only deliver the ponies to all of these children, but will save or create approximately 4,000 good paying, albeit short term jobs right here at home.
Unfortunately, it turns out that feeding ponies costs money. It can add up to roughly five thousand dollars per year, and many of these families can not all afford that. But by tightening our belts just a little, we can all chip in and make this happen. Thus, we are also announcing the 2009 Pony Care Revenue Acquisition Program, also known as P-CRAP. Now let me be very clear. This is not a tax. We will simply be deducting a small percentage from the wage of workers which will not go to swell government coffers, but rather directly to the care and feeding of these ponies.
As I’m sure you will all agree, ponies require a significant amount of open land for grazing and exercising, and a significant portion of the affected families do not have that kind of real estate. With this in mind, we are also announcing the 2009 Pony Grazing and Rangeland Availability Bill, or P-GRAB. Under this program, sufficient amounts of land will be seized and redistributed to the new pony owners to ensure the proper care of the animals. But don’t be concerned. All of this land will be taken under the proper constitutional authority of the takings clause and will only be seized from businesses and very richest Americans who earn more than 250 million dollars per year.
The sad fact is, though, that many of these families know nothing about the proper care and maintenance of livestock, or perhaps don’t even like horses to begin with. As such, we must be prepared for the inevitable death of a certain percentage of these ponies. This could have terrible environmental consequences, not to mention being vey unsightly. Thus, we are announcing our final initiative, the 2009 Pony Death Retrieval Access Grant fund, or P-DRAG. This groundbreaking initiative will save or create up to 8,000 good paying jobs across the nation for people to drive trucks and forklifts to retrieve the dead carcasses of all the ponies and transport them to central processing facilities where they will provide a huge boon to both the commercial pet food and fertilizer industries.
I know you will all recognize the inherent value in these new projects and the stimulative effect they will have on our economy and the general welfare of the nation. With that in mind, President Obama and I are calling on member of Congress and their constituents to move quickly and get this vital legislation to the President’s desk before the end of the next legislative session.
Thank you all, God bless Ponies, and God bless America.