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Posted by on Nov 6, 2015 in 2016 Presidential Election, Satire | 45 comments

Breaking Update: Carson’s Numbers Sink as Violent Youth Episodes Cannot be Confirmed



Famous New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz has just confirmed that Carson’s supporters are deserting his candidacy in droves reacting to the news that Carson “might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth.”


Indeed, a recent University of Minnesota poll showed that a full third of Carson supporters singled out “his stabbing experience” as a top reason for supporting him for the nation’s highest office.

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Original story:

When it became known that Dr. Ben Carson, about 30 years ago, threw “the guy behind the counter” under the bus when a thug put a gun in his ribs at a Popeyes in Baltimore, his poll numbers among conservatives rose.

Subsequently, when the quiet, subdued former neurosurgeon started revealing episodes from his violent past, acts flowing from an uncontrollable “pathological temper,” his numbers surged again, especially among evangelical voters and among those who believe that Carson is just the right kind of person they would like to see with his finger on the nuclear button.

According to his 1990 biography, “Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story,” those acts included “punching a classmate in the face with his hand wrapped around a lock, leaving a bloody three-inch gash in the boy’s forehead; attempting to attack his own mother with a hammer following an argument over clothes; hurling a large rock at a boy, which broke the youth’s glasses and smashed his nose; and, finally, thrusting a knife at the belly of his friend with such force that the blade snapped when it luckily struck a belt buckle covered by the boy’s clothes,” says CNN.

Several news organizations have been investigating Carson’s claims and cannot find anyone who has memory of the violence that is so earnestly claimed by Carson.

Carson’s campaign is still hoping that friends, classmates and neighbors of Carson will man up and come forward to verify the incidents as the neurosurgeon’s base is beginning to grumble that they have invested so much on a person with just a normal, decent, non-violent past.

If this search comes up empty, the campaign may have to resort to once again comparing Obamacare and women who get abortions to slavery, to defaming the Holocaust, or to reaffirming that the Egyptian pyramids were built to store grain, in order to re-mesmerize his base.

Word from the Trump campaign is — as other candidates are gaining ground — that it is feverishly digging into Trump’s past, anxious to find unsavory, violent episodes that will make your head spin.

(This piece is political satire)

Lead photo:Albert H. Teich /