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Posted by on Jun 24, 2009 in Politics, Society | 17 comments

Introducing the Obama-Jazz PonyCare (TM) Program

(Note: Details of the following program will be discussed on today’s edition of Mid Stream Radio at 10 am Eastern time.)

My fellow Americans,

Much time and energy has been spent debating both the need and nature of massive health care reform in our great nation. Unfortunately, while this is very admirable, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. That’s why I’m here today to unveil our new PonyCare program.

It is well known that all children love ponies. But for too long now, here in this richest of all nations, tens of millions of American boys and girls go to bed each night without owning a pony, but knowing that a wealthy and privileged few families have children with two or even three ponies.

According to the latest Census Bureau estimates, there are approximately 25 million ponyless children currently living near or under the poverty level in America. (Unlike some of our other proposals, we will not inflate the numbers here to include families who could actually afford a pony for their children quite easily, but have simply chosen not to purchase one and left their kids crying themselves to sleep.) When purchased at wholesale costs, ponies can be had for approximately 300 dollars. This means that every needy child will now be able to have a pony and it will only cost taxpayers 7.5 Billion dollars. And let’s face it, we spend that much every year on fifteen different NIH studies like that one on condoms we’re starting next week.

Now, we understand that not everyone can come to a distribution center to pick up and transport a pony. In fact, some families may foolishly not even want to. So we are also announcing the formation of the New Pony Express. This groundbreaking program will not only deliver the ponies to all of these children, but will save or create approximately 4,000 good paying, albeit short term jobs right here at home.

Unfortunately, it turns out that feeding ponies costs money. It can add up to roughly five thousand dollars per year, and many of these families can not all afford that. But by tightening our belts just a little, we can all chip in and make this happen. Thus, we are also announcing the 2009 Pony Care Revenue Acquisition Program, also known as P-CRAP. Now let me be very clear. This is not a tax. We will simply be deducting a small percentage from the wage of workers which will not go to swell government coffers, but rather directly to the care and feeding of these ponies.

As I’m sure you will all agree, ponies require a significant amount of open land for grazing and exercising, and a significant portion of the affected families do not have that kind of real estate. With this in mind, we are also announcing the 2009 Pony Grazing and Rangeland Availability Bill, or P-GRAB. Under this program, sufficient amounts of land will be seized and redistributed to the new pony owners to ensure the proper care of the animals. But don’t be concerned. All of this land will be taken under the proper constitutional authority of the takings clause and will only be seized from businesses and very richest Americans who earn more than 250 million dollars per year.

The sad fact is, though, that many of these families know nothing about the proper care and maintenance of livestock, or perhaps don’t even like horses to begin with. As such, we must be prepared for the inevitable death of a certain percentage of these ponies. This could have terrible environmental consequences, not to mention being vey unsightly. Thus, we are announcing our final initiative, the 2009 Pony Death Retrieval Access Grant fund, or P-DRAG. This groundbreaking initiative will save or create up to 8,000 good paying jobs across the nation for people to drive trucks and forklifts to retrieve the dead carcasses of all the ponies and transport them to central processing facilities where they will provide a huge boon to both the commercial pet food and fertilizer industries.

I know you will all recognize the inherent value in these new projects and the stimulative effect they will have on our economy and the general welfare of the nation. With that in mind, President Obama and I are calling on member of Congress and their constituents to move quickly and get this vital legislation to the President’s desk before the end of the next legislative session.

Thank you all, God bless Ponies, and God bless America.

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Copyright 2009 The Moderate Voice
  • TheLid

    Jazz can I be the Pony Czar?

  • djshay

    I think this post epitomizes the right’s lack of understanding or even attempting to understand the healthcare debate going on now. Yes, I can appreciate the humor in this this post, but as someone on the front lines of the healthcare debate, I can’t laugh. My mother is 63 and has had 4 heart attacks, has diabetes, high blood pressure, COPD, arthritis, and various other ailments that make it impossible for her to work. She has been waiting for 2 years to get on disability/medicaid so that she can be covered for her 9 prescriptions she takes per month. The Plavix she is on runs roughly $200.00 a month and that is just for one prescription, never mind the other 8 that amount to a total out of pocket cost of around $1500.00 a months for a woman who is not working and has no insurance. The last quote for private insurance was around $2000.00 a month. And there are millions more just like her who would benefit greatly from health care reform, especially a public option. But as a general rule of thumb, conservatives lack the empathy to think of the people in these situations and would prefer them to be swept under a rug and highlight the examples of people gaming the system. If it was your mother, wouldn’t you want there to be something available for her?

  • casualobserver

    If it was your mother, wouldn’t you want there to be something available for her?

    I would be working my tail off to pay her bills instead of typing on a computer in the middle of the day looking for someone else to step in and take over my filial responsibilities.

    When you demonstrate (or at least, acknowledge) personal responsibilities, I’ll start feeling guilty about not having enough empathy.

    • djshay

      Wow. I am at work right now and I currently do pay ALL her bills and mine too. You’re quite the @sshole. My only hope is that someday you are left if this situation and someone just like you tells you tough s*it.

    • I would be working my tail off to pay her bills instead of typing on a computer in the middle of the day

      But.. but.. but… my job IS to sit home and type on my computer in the middle of the day!

  • GeorgeSorwell

    If your mother was one of the 46 million Americans who lack health insurance, I’m sure you would be working your tail off.

    • djshay

      @GeorgeSorwell. I am at work. Why is it that you think that if you have a decent paying job you have nothing to worry about? I make good money, but I also pay close to $2000.00 a month in medical expenses for my mother plus mortgage, car payment, car insurance, house insurance, utilities and a credit card. And while I make good money, it’s well below a 6 figure income.

      • GeorgeSorwell

        Djshay–

        My comment was meant to be supportive of you, in response to Casualobserver.

        I apologize for my lack of clarity.

        • djshay

          Sorry for that @GeorgeSorwell. My hackles were raised. Accept my humble apology.

  • GeorgeSorwell

    By the way, from Nate Silver, a post called George F. Will Admits Public Option Will Cut Costs

  • Health care is a basic human right, at least in the civilized world [in Canada, Western Europe, and even in parts of Asia]. Only in America do issues of life and death get titrated in favor of the almighty dollar.

    Djshay’s mother is lucky to have a child helping to support her.

    From the tone of this snarky post and the greedy self serving responses, it appears that those who don’t have children, or relatively wealthy children must necessarily die in the streets. Here’s a news blast for you bozos .. the era of greedy libertarianism is over. 70% of Americans want a public option, and nearly 50% have indicated single payer in some form is something they could approve of.

  • lurxst

    That was pretty nifty satire Jazz. How about we focus on the real though,

    Children and Dental caries

    Although dental caries (tooth decay) is largely preventable, it remains the most common chronic disease of children aged 6 to 11 years (25%) and adolescents aged 12 to 19 years (59%). Tooth decay is four times more common than asthma among adolescents aged 14 to 17 years (59% compared with 15%).

    Once established, the disease requires treatment. A cavity only grows larger and more expensive to repair the longer it remains untreated.

    Fewer than 1 in 3 children enrolled in Medicaid received at least one preventive dental service in the past year. Many states provide only emergency dental services to Medicaid-eligible adults.

    Many adults also have untreated tooth decay—28% of those aged 35 to 44 years and 18% of those aged 65 years and older.

    The most prevalent chronic health problem among kids. Kids with cavities underperform in school, miss a lot of school, make parents miss work because they are caring for a sick kid, develop other behavioral difficulties and remain at risk for other worse oral health conditions.

    Stats once again courtesy of the CDC, bane of right wing “we’ve got the best healthcare in the world” talking points.

  • GeorgeSorwell

    Djshay–

    No problem–I should have been clearer.

  • DLS

    “Health care is a basic human right”

    It never has been, is not, and never will be. It is an entitlement of people in the nations you listed, and that in no way indicates or implies it “should” [sic] be the case here in the USA. Merely, there is a large fraction of the population who would like it here, too, or don’t necessarily want it but would accept it, and would be willing to pay for it and see it made an entitlement and something we choose government to provide for us, too.

    Just so you know the truth…

  • DLS

    Jazz, note that a bloated army of new workers can be raised to care for and maintain the lands where the ponies live, as well as build and maintain the structures like stalls and fences. Unemployment solved! (Any residual unemployment would be cured by banning machinery on farms and forcing all work there to be done by hand or using these ponies for motive power.)

    • DLS:: “Any residual unemployment would be cured by banning machinery on farms and forcing all work there to be done by hand or using these ponies for motive power.

      Dude. These ponies are not to be used for menial labor. What kind of monster are you? We can have people pull the plows if you just redesign the harnesses.

  • DLS

    Jazz — I admit I was wrong, and I apologize. We do not want to offend PETA, nor any organizations (labor unions, employment activists, even ACORN if we give the people a “living wage”) who want full or at least maximum employment of people, not replacements or substitutions for this!

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