Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Mar 9, 2017 in Animal Rights, Health, Mental Health, Torture | 0 comments

Along Came a Spider

March 9, 2017

Note to readers: This is the latest entry in Super Baby DonDon’s diary. The series imagines that President Donald Trump has the emotional make-up of a five-year-old and confides his deepest thoughts—such as they are—to Andrew Feinberg, and to readers, every day. In his private moments, he always thinks of himself as Super Baby DonDon.

So I was in my playroom, pulling the legs off 100 spiders, when my consigliere Steverino entered. He was muttering, “Designated survivor, designated survivor. Designated survivor? Yes, yes, yes!”

“Vladimir Ilyich Bannon, how goes it?”

“Fine, Mr. President Super Baby DonDon. What are you doing?”

“I’m pulling all the legs off these spiders and reattaching them with Scotch tape or staples.”

“Some of the ones you’ve done already look like Trumpcare.”

“Point taken, but you know we don’t call it that, V.I. Bannon. Say, do you think the spiders silently scream when I pull off their legs?”

“I don’t know.”

“I like to think they do.”

“Mr. President Super Baby DonDon, I have something important to say.”

“Mind if I keep operating on the spiders while you do? Could you pass me that nail gun?”

“Of course. Sir, I think that when you next address a joint session of Congress we should consider putting Operation Designated Survivor into effect.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, for it to really work, you would appoint me to a Cabinet position and then I would be the one Cabinet officer who doesn’t attend your speech at the Capitol.”

“You don’t want to attend my speech? You hurt Super Baby DonDon’s feelings.”

“No, no, it’s just strategic. I could replace Rick Perry and, really, who would know? I don’t think Rick Perry would. Anyway, sir, I would write your speech as always because when you’re not enforcing any regulations, a Cabinet secretary has a lot of time on his hands. And I think I could write a really explosive speech, a true barn-burner. It would be like you were dropping a great big bomb on the Capitol.”

“Sounds good. I do love to shake things up. Oh, and when do we tell Rick Perry? I’d like to be able to pull off his arms and legs first, okay?”

“Absolutely, Mr. President Super Baby DonDon, absolutely. Anything else I can do for you?”

“More spiders! More spiders!”

Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven (, a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. He also writes an anti-Trump humor page at or

WP Twitter Auto Publish Powered By :