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Posted by on Mar 14, 2012 in At TMV | 3 comments

A New Adventure Of Selig Cartwright, Goldman Sachs Washroom Attendant (Selig Does An Op Ed Piece)

You look unhappy, Mr. B. Can I get you a warm moist towel? Bring in a company masseuse?

No, but thank you, Selig. Just another bit of nastiness came along today that we at the top of the financial industry must endure. It’s putting me a little out of sorts.

You mean that piece on the Op Ed page of today’s New York Times? The one from a former employee who says our corporate culture has gotten toxic and destructive?

Toxic and destructive, indeed. Can you imagine anyone saying that about our corporate culture. Selig?

I never heard anyone saying that down here in the washroom, sir.

Exactly, Selig. Things you wouldn’t say in a washroom suddenly turn up in the New York Times. Someone like Rupert ought to buy that rag and get its editorial policies straightened out.

If I remember the wording in the Times article, Mr. B., it said that our culture always used to be about doing right for our clients, but now it’s about making the biggest profits for Goldman. And that you get promoted here just on how much money you make for the firm.

Well, what can I say, Selig. You think we should promote people based on how much money they lose for the firm?

I never made any money for Goldman, Mr. B., and last year you promoted me to Chief Washroom Supervisor anyway. I wish there were something I could do to get across things like that to a big audience. To let people know how little folks like me here at Goldman feel about the company.

Perhaps there is, Selig. You still edit that little industry newspaper…what’s it called again?

The Washroom Sanitary Engineers Beacon and Enquirer, sir.

Right. That one. Could you do an editorial in it, Selig, a sort of rebuttal to The Times piece that shows our corporate culture in a more positive light? The way we are seen by in-house washroom sanitary personnel like yourself.

I’ll write it up this very day, Mr. B., and have it ready for our next issue which should be out next week.

Do that, Selig. And before you actually submit it for publication run it by our corporate communications people. You know. To make sure all the names are spelled right, all the facts are straight, that sort of thing.

Of course, sir. Wouldn’t want anything in a newspaper that hadn’t been fact checked and approved by a company mentioned in a story.

Is my regular stall ready, Selig. I need to mellow out.

It is indeed, sir. And your favorite video is ready to play while you sit. I’m just curious though, Mr. B. Why do you always watch the same video? Especially that “Inside Job” video? I looked at it the other day and it describes how every important person in the financial industry, along with those supposedly responsible for regulating the industry, totally screwed up, caused the big 2008 collapse, cost tens of millions of investors their life savings.

Good question, Selig. The fact is I don’t watch the early parts of that video, the parts showing what we all did. I just watch the end showing how none of us paid for what did, and are still as powerful in running things as ever.

So you have a few bad days, Mr. B., but nothing really changes.\

Nothing changes, Selig. Once a year people like me get trashed by a committee in congress. We take the occasional editorial hit. Rest of the year it’s all churning out the big bucks. Start up the video. I’m going in.

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