by Robert Coutinho
To show the “equivalency” of vitriol, I have listed some talking points in this satire column below and will continue the column on other dates if it is well-received. The claims may be false, mostly false, based in fact, or (for a few) even true. However, they will be written as if I were a talk-show radio host (a left-wing one).
***1. Believe it or not folks—this is astounding even to me! but—believe it or not, we have SLAVERY in this country. That’s right! The country that first abolished slavery actually has LEGAL slavery going on! You get these fat-cat, right-wing business guys. They go to their friends in state and federal government and say, “Hey! I can really use some slaves to work for my business partners.” Then their buddies in government pass these evil, treaty-breaking laws that allow FOR PROFIT prisons. They put people in these prisons so that the owners can make money. I could go on and on about this!
Now, we’re not talking about murderers and rapists here. We’re talking about—how many of you might have blown a stop sign or gone past the speed limit? How many of you might have crossed the street somewhere besides the cross walk? These people have been put in for minor offenses—some of them for things that aren’t even illegal anymore! They take the poor, hard-working Americans—guys who are supporting their families, by the way—they are taking them and putting them in for-profit prisons. Then they say to them, “Look, either you work here for free or we keep you until you’re old and grey!” The prisoners families get none of this money! The prison owners keep all that money plus all the money we give them to house prisoners. That’s right folks, we PAY these slavers to keep hard-working, mostly law-abiding Americans as slaves! And we have to pay extra to these slavers if we don’t fill their quota of slaves! Like I said, I could go on and on!
***2. I want you people to know about some really evil folks in this country of ours! These LIARS are pretending to be reporters. You’ve heard them! They’re all over the radio and some cable “news” channels. These liars claim that they can’t be held to journalistic ethics requirements because they are just “entertainers.” Yeah—entertainers. They go out and accuse innocent people of horrible crimes—we’re talking raping of babies. Sorry if you are offended by that picture, but it’s true—they claim that these innocent people are guilty of raping babies and enslaving children so that they can charge a bunch of perverts to rape the children. They accuse some of the most notable liberal politicians; they accuse hard-working restaurant owners; they accuse folks like you and me! They claim that they are running nefarious businesses out of places that don’t even exist! Then when one of their brain-washed crazies actually goes and shoots up the place, they say, “Hey, we didn’t tell him to do this. We’re just entertainers!”
***3. Folks, I want to talk about President Trump’s so-called “charitable” foundation. This is really bad, guys—really bad. I mean TREASONOUS bad! I mean that the state of New York has decided to indict Trump and his kids—bad! He has been allegedly laundering money from these Russian oligarchs. Oligarchs are people who want everyone else to be their serfs—slaves really! He is allegedly laundering the money from these evil Russians and paying people to brain-wash some of his supporters. They go out and pay these people to show up to his rallies. They pick the ones who seem the least “with it,” let’s just say. They pick them out and “suggest” that these people go harm our fellow citizens. That’s right folks! They find some guy who is all jacked up—maybe on drugs—I don’t know—but maybe on drugs (they might even be supplying him with the drugs), and they say to him, “You know, if this were MY community, I wouldn’t stand for all this liberal bull-shit! I would DO something about it!”
Then they make sure that the guy either has guns or can get them. Some say they even supply some of them with explosives and instructions—that’s what I’ve heard! There are people saying that these workers for Donald Trump and his kids go out and supply local terrorists with guns and ammunition to shoot up our schools! They tell them which kids are the smartest ones and which teachers are liberals. They never target “private” schools. That’s because the Republican politicians kids go to private schools. They don’t want anyone from public school getting ahead. Anyways these workers for Donald Trump, they make sure that they can’t be traced—so only the whack job they coax on ever gets caught. People are telling me that these folks are protected by the F.B.I. That’s right, folks! Donald Trump has been purging the F.B.I. And putting in people who will only do his bidding. If anyone tries to investigate his so-called charitable foundation, then he makes sure that they are fired and can’t get a job in law-enforcement ever again! And these new F.B.I. Guys are told not to investigate any of these suppliers of weapons and ammunition. And all of this is being funded by Russian Oligarchs who want all of us to be slaves!
***4. Let’s talk about good-paying jobs! I mean factory work, here, people. There are lots of people who want to work hard and be part of the American Dream. These are folks like you and me! Maybe some of you are listening to me right now from one of the few factory jobs left to us. Let me tell you folks, it’s not the illegal immigrants who are taking these jobs away from us. It’s SLAVERS. That’s right folks, you heard it right here! These evil slavers make the cops—I LOVE the police in my community. They are dedicating, hard-working, brave people. But some communities—I won’t say which ones, but you know who they are—they have these police officers go out and grab otherwise law-abiding citizens for little things. Who hasn’t crossed the street without a cross walk or maybe gone past the speed limit? Anyways, they grab these black and Latino men and women—mothers people—some of them are mothers with little babies that they are trying to raise to be good people. The police are grabbing them so that the courts can place them into slavery! Instead of giving the people the jobs on the outside, where they would have to pay them a decent salary—they are imprisoning them in slavery, selling out their work to the highest bidder, and pocketing all the money! That’s where all the good-paying jobs have gone! The fat-cat business folks have imprisoned their workers, pay them nothing, enslave them, leave their kids to rot—that way they’ll be sure to have more slaves later on—since these kids grow up in SQUALOR. So you know that these kids will end up maybe taking a joint to ease their pain and then they are placed right next to their grand-parents in perpetual slavery!
***5. Le’t talk about our drug problem, folks. That’s right, WE have a drug problem—you and me. I’m not saying that we’re taking drugs—maybe some of you folks are taking medicines but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the poor, deluded folks who have been purposely hooked on pain killers so that they will have to pay their drug pushers for LIFE! In the book Brave New World , by Aldous Huxley—great book, by the way—in that book he had a terrible vision of the future where all the people were hooked on a drug called, “Soma.” Well that future is not far away—in fact much of it is here! We have people who are hooked on these pain killers. If they try to get off of them they go through absolute TORTURE! The makers of the drugs KNOW this. It’s part of their design! But what you may not know is that the real makers of these POISONS are doing it legally! That’s right folks, there are fat-cat business men who are pushing these drugs on hard-working, every-day Americans and their bought-and-paid-for politicians—the CONSERVATIVE ones, that is—these Republican politicians make damn sure that the owners of these DRUG FACTORIES can keep making their poisonous rot. Of course, you know who also gets some of the drug money: those Republican politicans. That’s right folks. Republican politicians are taking lobbying money from these drug pushers so that they can keep on getting elected! Even worse—if those same politicians see anyone else getting in on the drug money, they put them in jail and enslave them for life! Our Republican politicians are drugging up our citizens, putting any competitors in jail for life, enslaving those in the prisons—all so their friends can force you and me to pay them to sit by and live the life of luxury!
That’s it for this installment. For clarity’s sake:
1. Essentially true. Some of the hyperbole is over the top but the main issue is fact-based. It is false that the USA was one of the first countries to abolish slavery—it was one of the last.
2. Actually true.
3. Mostly false. Although the charity is under investigation for illegal activities, those are not related to such nefarious acts. There is no evidence that anyone has been paid to find deranged killers. There is also no evidence that the Trump administration has set any political standards for new FBI recruits.
4. Partly true—the part that parallels 1. above is quite accurate. However, the amount of labor that is actually being done is unlikely to be sufficient to lower wages in the U.S. Also, the claim that there is a massive conspiracy is very unlikely.
5. Mostly true. It is not accurate to suggest that the Republican politicans are accepting graft from large pharmaceutical firms—although they are getting some campaign contributions. In addition, there are Democratic politicans who are also receiving contributions. Illegal drug operators and street sellers are, in fact, imprisoned in federal penitentiaries—some of which are For-profit prisons.
That’s it for this installment of a new column that I will call, The Equivalency.
PHOTO by Rory112233 – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=65416648