Lottascamma U (Cartoon, Column and Video)
If you’re the cynical type who believes students have a much greater chance of attending elite universities, like Harvard, Yale, Stanford, USC, or UCLA if they’re rich, well connected and white, you’re right.
Sure. Studying hard, scoring well on your SATs, and avoiding the keggers is all well and good, but it also helps if your daddy donates $2.5 million to Harvard, like Jared Kushner’s daddy. That’s the legal way to bribe your kid into a school.
Another way is to pay up to six and seven figures for bogus SAT scores and athletic profiles and bribe standardized test administrators and college coaches. As it turns out, some parents bribed coaches of upper-class sports like crew, sailing and water polo, even staging photos of the applicants playing various sports they’ve never played before. Hell, most students don’t even know what crew is. I don’t.
Fifty people were charged Tuesday in a college admissions conspiracy to get rich kids into elite universities. Prosecutors say parents paid William “Rick” Singer to cheat the system.
Some of the people charged for the scheme included a tennis coach who made $950,000 promoting several students as potential tennis recruits for Georgetown, a USC parent who is a craft bourbon distillery, another USC parent who is a Silicon Valley investor who has worked with Bono and the founder of Netflix, an individual who test entrance exams for students, and actresses Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman.
Lori Loughlin played Aunt Becky on Full House, which I learned yesterday. I never watched Full House. I swear. She and her husband, designer Mossimo Giannulli were both charged. They allegedly paid $500,000 to have their 2 daughters designated as recruits for the crew team at USC…despite the fact they did not actually participate in crew. Prosecutors say Mossimo sent action photos of their daughters on rowing machines. That’s what crew is? Their daughter previously posted a video on YouTube where she said she didn’t really care about school and was most excited about partying and game days (probably not crew game days).
Felicity Huffman is an Oscar nominee who was on Desperate Housewives. Apparently, she was desperate to get her kid into UCLA. She’s married to William H. Macy, who was not charged. I know who he is.
Huffman once tweeted, “What are your best ‘hacks’ for the back-to-school season?” Loughlin had tweeted in the past, “My kids will love this fun fact! UberFacts: Research shows homework has no academic value and students are usually given too much.” Who needs to actually do homework when the parents pay someone to take their entrance exams for them?
Investigators uncovered about $25 million in bribes, which most of the kids didn’t know anything about. They actually thought they were that smart. Not sure if they understood they really weren’t doing that crew thing. Was Jared or the Trump kids on a crew team?
These are not victimless crimes. For each spot taken by a snotnosed, spoiled, entitled dumbass with millionaire parents, a student who actually worked and deserved it was denied. The system already works against students who are not privileged, especially minority students. A conspiracy of bribes that benefits trust fund babies makes it all more revolting.
Jared Kushner probably didn’t belong at Harvard any more than he belongs in the White House, where he was appointed by his father-in-law. The Huffman and Loughlin kids shouldn’t be in USC and instead should be attending Los Angeles City College.
As for the rest of them, does Trump University have a crew team?
Watch me draw.
Email Clay Jones at [email protected]