Salutations, Friends, How Are You?

And then, just as Wilbur was settling down for his morning nap, he heard again the thin voice that had addressed him the night before.
‘Salutations!’ said the voice.
Wilbur jumped to his feet. ‘Salu-what?’ he cried.
–E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

For years, the standard greeting and response we use in our culture has bothered me. The words go something like this:

A. Question: How are you?

B. Answer: Fine.

>B. And you?

A. Good.

Do most people who ask How are you? really want to know how you are physically or psychologically? I don’t think so. It’s a customary greeting. The words themselves are meaningless in many contexts. I think it means I see you are here. I am acknowledging your presence. The words could just as easily be mumble-jumble. Our customary greetings have become so automatic, the words feel thoughtless.

Perhaps that’s what Charlotte, the wise spider in Charlotte’s Web, is trying to wake us up to when she greets Wilbur the pig for the first time with, Salutations! Wilbur is startled by this alternative to a familiar greeting. Charlotte really captures his attention:

‘Salutations!’ repeated the voice.

‘What are they, and where are you?’ screamed Wilbur. ‘Please, please, tell me where you are. And what are salutations?’

Now, Charlotte has really engaged Wilbur in this first act of friendship. I’ve been wanting to find a meaningful alternative, and Charlotte isn’t giving Wilbur a mindless greeting. She’s truly reaching out to him:

‘Salutations are greetings,’ said the voice. ‘When I say ‘salutations,’ it’s just my fancy way of saying hello or good morning.’

Charlotte inspires me to want to find a more meaningful way to greet others. If someone greets me with the familiar, How are you? what could I say instead? If it is someone I am generally interested in, I could ask, What’s happening in your world? The problem with that question is that if it is someone working in a store, they don’t really have the time to answer even if they wanted to share with me.

Yesterday I watched a customer at a deli counter ask the person behind the counter, how are you? Without missing a beat, she continued asking about an orzo salad in the case. The customer had just greeted the deli worker but had no interest in receiving an answer. It was like she had never asked a question! I find it amusing when someone asks another how they are and then continues to walk away. There is no intention of wanting to hear a response. I have a friend who works in a store. Many times, she genuinely wants to connect with a customer. When she asks the ritual question, sometimes the customer doesn’t respond. She feels hurt. I think it is the mindless nature of the ritual.

My dear friend, Pat from Dallas got me thinking about challenging automatic greetings. Recently, when she responded to my July blog, Pat said that whenever someone asks her, how are you? she answers, Blessed and grateful. I was astounded at the enlivening possibility of her greeting. Instead of giving the habitual Good or Fine. I thought, how powerful it felt to hear someone say, I’m blessed and grateful. Charlotte makes Wilbur jump to his feet with her unusual greeting. Pat, like Charlotte, is startling me and helping me awaken to a more genuine way of responding to the greetings of others.

In the last few years, people have become aware of the spiritual power of being grateful. There are books published about this idea and there are gratitude journals on the market. It seems that what we put out, we attract. Gratitude generates gratitude. The experience of being blessed is similar. My life is happier when I express feeling blessed and grateful.

Pat’s surprising response is a gift to both myself and to the other person. The challenge is that it feels awkward for me. Perhaps it is because I am breaking the societal ritual. I’m going against what is expected. Breaking a ritual at first feels odd. This past week I tried answering with Pat’s response when someone greeted me, and I felt uncomfortable. Even though I felt awkward, I also felt grateful. And, when the person I asked answered, yes, I’m grateful, too, I felt my shift in greeting had a positive effect. One person with whom I exchanged this greeting answered, I’m grateful to know you. What a wonderful surprise it was to hear that response!

It occurred to me that there are other words I could use in response to how are you? Here is a list I made: I am healthy, happy, pleased, hopeful, satisfied, playful, patient, serene, peaceful, content, lucky, fortunate.

Our words are so powerful. Words can change the way we experience our life. When I get into a complaining mood, I can make myself feel terrible in no time at all. If I change the words I tell myself, I can transform my spirit just as quickly. What is even more interesting is that my words often attract good fortune into my life. I have noticed that those very words I’m using are manifesting in different aspects of my life.

So, how do I embrace this new greeting, and overcome the awkwardness I feel? Maybe I just need to be willing to feel awkward for a while. I wonder what would happen if we all used, I am blessed or grateful or even I am happy, pleased, hopeful, lucky. . . Would substituting any of these positive words change the way you feel? I imagine the words we use in response to the standard greeting might make a big impact in our lives. Who knows, we might shift the way of the world.

This is cross-posted from Jane Knox’s blog The Ageless Goddess.