If you do not know the origin of the 12 Days of Christmas and the song about them, then read the Vox article The 12 Days of Christmas: The story behind the holiday’s most annoying carol.
Back in 2016, one of my Melmacian friends heard the song The Twelve Days of Christmas. She thought that the gifts in the song were the gifts that she needed to give me, and that is what she did. Every day for twelve days, I received every gift for that day mentioned in the song.
So, on the 13th day of Christmas, I returned these gifts for me:
12 Drummers Drumming (I don’t need a marching band in my house.)
22 Pipers Piping (I wish that they would pipe down.)
30 Lords a Leaping (Since when is the game of leap-frog a Christmas activity?)
36 Ladies Dancing (If “Dancing with the Stars” didn’t want them, then why should I?)
40 Maids a Milking (plus the 40 cows that they were a milking. Uh, watch your step. They aren’t house-broken.)
42 Swans a Swimming (I’ll never get all of the feathers out of my swimming pool.)
42 Geese a Laying (Anyone want some goose eggs? My doctor told me to cut down on cholesterol.)
40 Gold Rings (plus 40 creepy little dudes all saying “My Precious!”)
36 Calling Birds (They ran up my phone bill.)
30 French Hens (I don’t speak French, and I don’t want to be hen-pecked.)
22 Turtle Doves (You know what doves do to statues? Well, they do the same to houses.)
12 Partridges in 12 Pear Trees (I don’t want my house turned into an orchard, and I don’t want to host a reunion of the Partridge Family.)
With the money that I received back, I was able to have my home professionally cleaned. However, it took awhile to get Danny Bonaduce to stop sleeping on my couch.
The “Wanted” posters say the following about David: “Wanted: A refugee from planet Melmac masquerading as a human. Loves cats. If seen, contact the Alien Task Force.”