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Posted by on Feb 27, 2013 in Featured, Media, Politics, Satire | 8 comments

Scoops That’ll Bust This Town Wide Open

FORT STOCKTON, Texas — The journalistic cliche is that someone comes running into a newsroom, shouting: “I’ve got a story that’ll bust this town wide open!” So stop the presses; re-do the front page. But in these days of the Internet, you don’t stop the presses. You merely write it ASAP and hit the “publish” button.

A top conservative news blog and much of the conservative media recently ran a revelation that they thought would bust wide open former Republican Senator Chuck Hagel’s bid to become Secretary of Defense: they reported that Hagel secretly got funds from “Friends of Hamas.” The tiny problem: the group doesn’t exist.

The revelation stemmed from a joke made by a New York Daily News reporter to a Republican Senate staffer. Still, the big conservative news site insisted the scoop was real, insisted other sources confirmed the donation from the (nonexistent) group, and suggested that even if it wasn’t true, the reporting of what the source said was itself accurate.

To help partisan websites from each side get people they don’t politically hate, I’m offering here four BIG scoops based on my sources. No need to check the accuracy. Just trust me.

Scoop Number One: One of my most reliable sources wonders whether Hagel has given a speech to B’Nai Hamas, the National Hamas Association, Young Men’s Hamas Association, McHamas burger restaurants, Temple Beth Hamas Israel, the National Organization for Hamas, the United League of Hamas Citizens, the California Hamas Teachers Association, or Hair Club for Hamas.

Scoop Number Two: Rachael Maddow badmouthed the United States Navy fleet stationed at Pearl Harbor on her MSNBC cable show that aired December 7, 1941. This transcript sent to me by a source must be accurate since it’s in Maddow’s style: while most journalists and broadcasters use an inverted pyramid to discuss a fact or story, Maddow uses a b-i-g pyramid that includes repeating a fact or concept several times before she gets to the point. Here’s part of it:

“Welcome to tonight’s show. Pearl Harbor is an important naval base. It’s a naval base that’s very important. The importance of Pearl Harbor is important. On his Twitter account, President Franklin D. Roosevelt recently said Pearl Harbor was important. President Franklin Roosevelt on his Twitter account talked about the importance of Pearl Harbor. Pearl Harbor, the naval base. The naval base called Pearl Harbor. But today December 7th, will be a day that will live in history. History — the record of days, weeks, months…”

(No space here to run the next two pages before she gets to the point).

Scoop Number Three: Barack Obama doesn’t wear underwear.

Scoop Number Four: Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman received secret donations from his church, the Catholic Church. Lieberman’s strong religious ties date back to when he was an altar boy. Over the years, Lieberman helped raise money to plant trees in the Vatican, worked to raise money for State of Vatican bonds, and secretly accepted campaign donations from groups such as the Catholic Torah Institute. Two months ago he made a secret trip to Italy and went bowling with Pope Benedict.

All of these scoops are totally solid and have been confirmed by three additional sources: the Easter Bunny, Jimmy Hoffa and, that famous foot doctor from Oriskiny Falls, N.Y, Paul Bunyan.

If anyone challenges these scoops, just point out that if I told it to you and you wrote about it, you’ve done your job, and it’s accurate because I said it. Trust me — and you can blow this town wide open.

Copyright 2013 Joe Gandelman. This weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

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Copyright 2013 The Moderate Voice
  • DR. CLARISSA PINKOLA ESTÉS, Managing Editor of TMV, and Columnist

    truly funny joe, thanks. i know youre saving that leiberman’ father’s cat’s great uncle changed course from a former pork aversion over to a meat aversion on fridays only, and enjoyed this with rebbe chris matthews

    Not all humor is funny. Yours is. Great piece.

  • DORIAN DE WIND, Military Affairs Columnist

    Good one, Joe.

    I have a scoop for you. I have heard it from reliable sources that Chris Christie has backed expanding Medicaid under Obama’s health care reform law.

    Oh wait, that is not a “scoop” at all.

    Well, how about this one: Chris Christie will run for President as a Democrat in 2016.

  • DR. CLARISSA PINKOLA ESTÉS, Managing Editor of TMV, and Columnist

    Dorian, my bet is that may be true, either that or as vp choice

  • dduck

    Great JG, love your sources.
    Just finished a great book on deceptive information during WWII called Double Cross (no it’s not written by the Rep National Party), by Ben Macintyre.

  • DORIAN DE WIND, Military Affairs Columnist

    “Dorian, my bet is that may be true, either that or as vp choice”

    If so, I hope people will remember in 2016 that I had the scoop that bust Washington wide open 🙂

  • dduck

    From a “reader” posted yesterday: “Oh please let CC officially become a Dem and run in the primaries against HC and possibly JB. What an interesting show that would be.” 🙂

  • brcarthey

    When I saw that the story was from Ft. Stockton, Tx, I almost knocked myself out from face-palming myself so hard. I thought, “Oh Lord, what craziness is coming out of my home state now?” Then, when I got past scoop #1, I realized the humorous nature of story. BTW, yes, I believe that #1 is still percolating among the more far-right conspiracy theorists both in and outside of Texas. 😛

  • slamfu

    Also, GI Bill bennies are being extended to Gitmo inmates.

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