Statement from President Donald J. Trump on the Fifth Avenue Shooting
The world is a very dangerous place!
I have created millions of jobs, raked in trillions of dollars since I became the supreme leader.
So, maybe I shot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and maybe I didn’t.
It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody cruising down Fifth Avenue who weighs 400 pounds, OK? It’s like incredible!
That being said, our so-called investigative and law enforcement agencies continue to assess all information, but, hell, who cares about their findings.
In any case, I will not be indicted. It’s like incredible!
Because the person I allegedly shot was an “enemy of the people” and a member of one of those subversive journalistic brotherhoods. To make things worse, he called me a liar to my face, just because I have told a few thousand little embellishments here and there.
Because, as I mentioned, I have created millions of jobs, spurred tremendous economic development, and created much additional wealth for myself and a few others.
Because I have already taken appropriate action against 17 people known to have witnessed the shooting and the cover-up.
I understand there are members of Congress and other low-lives who, for political or other reasons, would like to go in a different direction – and they are free to do so. I will consider whatever ideas are presented to me, but only if they are consistent with my absolute right to declare who is above the law and who is not; what is Constitutional and what is not; what is right and what is wrong; what will make America great again; what is in the best interests of ME, myself and I.
Finally, as your Dear Leader, I intend to ensure that, in a very dangerous world, America’s MY interests are pursued and that I will vigorously contest those who wish to do America ME harm.
Very simply, it is called America ME First!!
P.S.
And a Happy Turkey Day to y’all.
I must say that while you are enjoying your turkey and trimmings, thanks to ME, I may or may not sacrifice my own Mar-a-Lago comforts and — because of the silly public outcry about my Armistice and Veterans Day non-appearances — may or may not visit our troops in some war zone (perhaps our southern border) and permit them to bask in MY glory. That is, if it doesn’t rain.
[Satire – but barely so]
