Here Come the Reformicons!
Some folks in town don’t seem to be themselves lately. Oh, they say that they’re Republicans, but some things we’ve been hearing and seeing just don’t seem right.
Take that nice Peter Wehner fellow. We don’t know him personally, of course, but we see him almost every week at the Church of the Almighty Dollar. Our friends, Miles and Wilma, were sitting near him recently. Wilma said she saw him take money out of the plate, instead of putting some in, like the rest of us.
“You didn’t!” I said.
“I’m quite sure I did,” Wilma said. “And I don’t think he was the only one.”
We’ve read strange things too. The other day I saw in the Daily Weekly something hare-brained, about tax subsidies for children and poor people. Even Colored People. I could not believe my eyes. I’ve heard about these subsidies before but I thought it was a joke. How odd to be giving money away. The next thing you know they’ll feel entitled to it.
None of this seemed to phase my husband Norman, but I was so upset that I decided to go see Pastor Will. He’s a little snooty, and I don’t know why he goes on so about baseball. But he’s awfully smart. He’s explained other strange things to me like what “fair and balanced” really means – that was very confusing. When I asked about these subsidies and taking from the plate, his face got red, and a nervousness came over him.
“I’m afraid it is so. Subsidies amount to giving money to some people – they call them target populations.”
“Then, that item in the Weekly about the — ”
“True,” he said. “And them some.”
Without naming any names, I asked him about Mr. Wehner and the plate. He confirmed that collections were way down, and he said it had to do with subsidies.
“You mean, he’s using our money to pay for the subsidies? Well, isn’t that like a new tax?”
“Precisely,” Pastor Will said.
“Well, that’s just wrong!” I said, recoiling in horror. “What’s come over him?”
“Them,” he said.
“Them? How many are there?”
The Pastor’s face darkened as he explained that the numbers seemed to be growing. He’d spent a retreat in Kennebunkport last summer, and he noticed something peculiar even about a couple of the Bushes. Especially Jeb.
“I sat with him for more than an hour, and by the end I could swear I was talking to a Democrat! He talked like he’d been brainwashed. It looked like Jeb, but it wasn’t Jeb.”
Some friends have joined with us and we’re following some of these people who are acting differently. Our friend, Ray Taft, thinks that they’re being turned into Democrats. He’s organizing a house to house search till he gets to the bottom of this.
Norman thinks we’re all crazy, chasing after bogeymen.
“Nobody’s different. Same-old, same-old,” he says. “I’ve heard this talk about the Reformicons,” which is what these folks are being called. “Take my word for it: old wine, old bottles.”
Norman usually pooh-poohs me. But lately, he seems to protest too much, if you get my meaning. I see him carrying the latest issue of the Arch Conservative, but it looks like it’s wrapped around a copy of the National Review.
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