Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson plans to shake-up his staff and wake-up his audiences in coming days — but not until after the Iowa caucuses, perhaps after New Hampshire, “or perhaps not.”*
Struggling to stay awake during an interview on Wednesday, Carson blamed his steep drop in the polls on his staff. “The speeches they write for me are so dull and boring that they put everyone to sleep, no matter how much pizzazz I use in my delivery,” he said.
“I’m looking at every option right now,” says the soft-spoken, slow-speaking, low-key, low-energy© retired neurosurgeon. “Everything is on the table, including new no-doze campaign leadership, much higher performance and power speaker systems and animation aids — we are also considering distributing no-doz maximum strength tablets at our rallies.”
“But, this all takes time and patience” warned Carson, insisting that his soft-spoken style and lack of knowledge of the issues — especially on foreign policy — have nothing to do with his fall in the polls.
Recalling how he was mocked when he claimed that the Chinese were all over Syria, Carson touted his visit to a couple of Syrian refugee camps in Jordan where his Chinese claim was corroborated and where he learned all he needs to know about the Middle East, ISIS and Hummus.
“And you know, I had multiple conversations with the refugees,” Carson says, “and they told me that they had eaten at many Chinese restaurants all over the country.” Carson continued, “And you know, where there are Chinese restaurants there have to be Chinese cooks.”
“As a matter of fact, that is one of the reasons they would rather return to Syria than to emigrate to the United States,” Carson said, “Chinese restaurants are much better in Damascus.”
*Politico has now updated the story. Please read the non-satire update here
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