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Posted by on Apr 29, 2012 in Guest Contributor, Satire | 7 comments

Bagels, Lox, and the Decline of Western Civilization

Bagels, lox, cream cheese, a little tomato and onion. Is this rocket science?

The Fabulous Gi and I were recently discussing how long it had been since we’d had this wonderful product brought to us by the Zionist Occupation Government. Say what you will about our Jewish overlords, at least they gave us this!

Sunday morning, I wake up inexplicably early. No way to get back to sleep. Well why don’t I surprise my sweetie with breakfast in bed? Sadly, having been too busy to shop of late, the refrigerator is bare. But a scheme comes to me: Lox bagels and cream cheese! There’s a deli in Farmington not five miles away that we’ve always wanted to check out. Surely they’ll have what I need!

Well perhaps they do, but as I pull in at 9am on a Sunday morning, do I see what I expect: a bustling deli serving breakfast to customers? No. Closed on Sundays. What? How can you not have a deli open on a Sunday? The Christians ruin everything!

OK fine. I get back in the car. I live in a pretty densely crowded part of suburbia, and rumor has it that there’s a sizable Jewish population around here. If I just look in all the nearby strip malls surely I’ll…. surely I’ll….

After an hour of looking I surely find squat. In abject surrender, I finally find a place that looks like it will at least have bagels, even if it is a bagel chain and not a real deli. I walk in and it is crowded, and they surely have a large selection of bagels, as well as a few other bread items, plus a large selection of sandwiches. Perhaps I will be lucky?

I tell the cute late teen/early 20s girl I’d like a bagel with lox and cream cheese. But I’ve been through this drill before and so the puzzled look at the word “lox” doesn’t surprise me much. I say “do you have smoked salmon?” (It’s not really the same but if it’s good smoked salmon it’s close enough to prevent me from weeping).

“Yes!” she says perkily. “We have the Salmon Club. I can make you a Salmon Club with a bagel if you like!”

And what is on the Salmon Club?

“Lettuce, tomato, mayo, onion, salmon, and bacon.”

So apparently I need a Salmon Club on a bagel instead of bread, minus mayo, minus bacon, minus lettuce, add cream cheese?

The manager comes over and intervenes to ask if he can help. Perhaps sanity will be restored, and the cute young thing is merely wet behind the ears? He asks me what I want. I say a bagel with cream cheese, smoked salmon, tomato, onion. He stares down at the cash register as if he’s going to need to find a way to code this in C++. My heart sinks a little as he asks, “what kind of bagel?” Cinnamon raisin, french toast, sweet poppy, blueberry… the list goes on and on until we get to that most exotic of all the world’s subspecies of bagel: the plain one.

Then the next question: “What kind of cream cheese?” And I say just cream cheese. He says “we have nine different kinds.” The cute little barely-20 girl pipes up and says “I think he means plain!”

Yes. Plain cream cheese. On a plain bagel.

The manager, looking up from his object-oriented cash register programming nightmare, seems to have it coded right, and says, “So that’s a plain bagel with plain cream cheese, with smoked salmon, lettuce, tomato, and onion?”

Wow. Close. “No lettuce.” He almost looks disappointed, and shakes his head a little.

Trying to be helpful, I say “They call it lox bagels and cream cheese.” Groping for some way to explain myself, I say, “It’s a New York thing.” He shakes his head in consternation and says–I kid you not–

“Never heard of it.”

At the end of this adventure I receive passable bagels with OK cream cheese, decent onion and tomato, and a thick slab of mealy smoked salmon that almost tastes of tuna.

Will our Zionist masters in the southeast Michigan area please look into this matter? We let you control the secret one-world government and the entire world financial system as well as the court system without much complaint. Is it too much to ask to have the backwater southeastern Michigan thralls learn how to put together this exotic recipe? Your control on Western Civilization is slipping here!

(This item cross-posted to Dean’s World.)

Photo via shutterstock.com

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Copyright 2012 The Moderate Voice
  • I’m extremely busy controlling the news media, Hollywood and underwriting the survival of Chinese restaurants right now to work on the bagel issue but I’ve put it on my to do list.

  • zephyr

    I would have expected it to be easier to find over there – but I’m not especially surprised either. Once went on a camping trip to Lake Nipigon (N. of Lake Superior) about 20 years ago. Tried to order coney dogs at a little drive-in and got the strangest looks. Those people had never heard of coney dogs – although they did know what hot dogs were. Loved Lake Nipigon btw. Nice provincial parks up that way.

  • dduck

    Is a malted milk outside of NYC still a frappe.

  • Bob Munck

    At approximately the same time, I myself was at a one-year-old’s birthday party in Georgetown where, in addition to juice boxes, handfuls of Cheerios, and cake, we were given proper lox bagels, with a substantial schmear, lox made of lox, tomato, capers, and red onions! (How could you forget the onions?) DC isn’t known for bagels, but these — sesame and toasted — were satisfactory. (It’s not impossible that they were flown down from NYC. In fact, thinking about it, it’s likely.)

    That kid’s going to grow up right.

  • Bob Munck

    (Now I go back and reread the article, and there are the onions, in picture and text. I must be losing my mind in my old age. Also, to explain my use of the possibly faint praise of “satisfactory,” I’ve just downloaded all of Nero Wolfe to my Kindle and immersed myself.)

  • DORIAN DE WIND, Military Affairs Columnist

    Browsing through back issues, came across this one. Now,this is a delightful piece, Dean, about a delightful subject –food — and an even more delightful schmear.

    Wish I had read this before reading the thread on supporting or not supporting the troops. I would have been a little more patient. 🙂

  • 🙂

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