In a stunning development in this already incredible presidential election season, The New Yorker is reporting that president Obama is planning to take the nation’s nuclear launch codes with him when he leaves office in January 2017.
The “launch codes” essentially confirm the president’s identity allowing him to communicate with the National Command Center and to select a response from a menu of nuclear strike options.
The launch codes “briefcase,” carried by a military aide, accompanies the commander in chief wherever he goes and is commonly referred to as the nuclear “football.”
The Smithsonian writes that the “football” and the launch codes even accompanied President Reagan on a state visit to the Soviet Union where his counterpart, Mikhail Gorbachev, was also accompanied by a military aide “who was clutching a very similar device, known in Russian as the chemodanchik, or ‘little briefcase.’” Talk about mutually assured destruction of the closest and most personal kind.
Anyway, satirist Andy Borowitz at The New Yorker — without naming names — strongly suggests that the President may take such action because of the recent rising level of alarm about who might have access to the nation’s nuclear launch codes after January 20.
Borowitz certainly could not be referring to Hillary Clinton as she has been virtually sleeping with the codes during her husband’s presidency and has been close enough to them during her tenure as Secretary of State to know them by heart. But if so, Hillary’s foes and other sexists will immediately chime in, “Good move Obama. A woman with her war-painted finger on the Big Red Button? No way!”
There are other reports that preparations are underway should the unthinkable happen and about the changes the White House would see should we survive the riots anticipated by Mr. Trump — riots that would eventually force his coronation just to make America great again.
It goes without saying that — in fine tradition — the letter “T” will mysteriously disappear from all White House keyboards, along with all hair blow dryers.
The fine White House wines and good steaks would be replaced by so-so “Trump wine” and fake Trump steaks. The latter provided by, would you believe, the Bush Brothers — you know the low-energy one and the low-intellectual-curiosity one.
As to water, should the unthinkable happen, the Gold House occupant will of course “import” Trump Natural Spring Water — actually relabeled bottles from Village Springs, a water company in Willington, Connecticut.
Trump will certainly continue to import Trump suits, shirts and ties for the butlers and Ivanka will continue to import fashion items for the female staff from China, Bangladesh, etc. You know, it’s very hard to make good stuff in America.
Don’t expect to see The New Yorker or Bloomberg Businessweek strewn about the Trump Gold House. Trump Magazine, oops, the once-a-year Mar-a-Lago glossy “The Jewel of Palm Beach” will have to do.
Since Trump most likely will not be allowed to turn his private Boeing 757 into Air Force One, be prepared to see Air Force One renamed “Trump One” — code name “YUGE Hands.”
Finally, how will Trump redecorate the White House?
Patricia Leigh Brown contemplates at the New York Times:
For those prone to catastrophizing, the prospect of a Trump White House can elicit dark visions of high-decibel audio tours, 24K-plated presidential souvenirs or a 55-foot-tall garden wall financed by Mexico.
Will Trump see the White House in a similar way the Sun King did when he moved into Versailles? “[A] dazzling symbol of dominance and royal power, its gilt-encrusted ‘Hall of Mirrors’ a riot of luxurious materials that expressed intimidation, wealth and political clout,”according to the Times.
Will Trump — as historian Douglas Brinkley commented about Trump’s brief 2012 candidacy — brag about the White House and double its size, “…like a one-man Gilded Age, carrying opulence wherever he goes.” Brinkley added, “We’ve never had someone running for president who is a bling artist.”
Hopefully, in the spirit of keeping America Great and the White House Grand, we will not have to find out.
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