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Update:
Warning: This update and the original post are political satire.*
Not to be outdone by his likely 2016 rival, Senator Ted Cruz also used nautical language to convince an adoring tea party crowd in South Carolina over the weekend that he, not Mitt Romney, would navigate our ship of state safely through the treacherous Liberal waters ahead.
“We just saw an historic tidal wave of an election, and all my good Republican friend can think of is lifting all yachts,” Cruz said, adding “How about sinking all boats that cross the Rio Grande; how about building a dozen more destroyers to sink those boats; how about slashing useless programs such as Social Security, food stamp and school lunch programs and especially Obamacare, to build those factories that will build those destroyers that will — well you get my drift.”
Clearly referring to (corporate) poverty-fighting Romney, Cruz asked the mostly aging, mostly very well-to-do, mostly very starboard-leaning crowd at the mostly aging beachfront resort in Myrtle Beach, “Do we go back to the same old, same old ‘mushy middle’? Do we continue to listen to someone who keeps getting whupped and giving us advice on how not to get whupped?”
Due to his thick Russian accent, it was difficult to know whether Cruz meant to say, ‘whipping,’ or ‘whooping’ or ‘whupping.’ But the tea party crowd loved it — and cheered.
*Note: Since TMV readers clearly understand satire when they see it, it might not be necessary to forewarn our readers. It is done out of an overabundance of caution and to prevent any “blasphemy” law suits as have already been suggested at another blog where a similar piece appeared.
But it is also a sad commentary on the state of GOP politics, when readers feel that satire imitates (Republican) life so faithfully that approximately half of the more than 120 ‘commenters’ actually believe that Mitt Romney made those exact remarks — even when tagged as “funny news.”
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Original Post:
Addressing a gathering of indigent CEOs, down-and-out plutocrats and destitute Republican dignitaries on Friday, Romney 3.0 promised that, if elected this time, he would lift them out of poverty.
“It’s a tragedy, a human tragedy, that corporations — and corporations are people, my friends — by and large don’t believe that the future will be better than the past,” he said. “We haven’t seen rising profits over decades.”
“The rich have gotten poorer, income equality has gotten worse and there are more corporations — and I say again, corporations are people, too — in poverty than ever before under this president,” Romney says, wiping a tear from his eye.
“To those who are concerned about the 47 percent — the folks who don’t take personal responsibility and care for their lives — I say raising profits and restoring wealth will be good for them, too, as everything wealthy people and corporations earn ultimately goes to these people. You know, a rising tide lifts all boats.” With a wink-wink that would make Sarah Palin proud, he adds, “especially our yachts.”
“But I am mostly concerned about you, the backbone of America that this President has nearly broken. Under a Romney presidency we will eliminate both corporate poverty and income equality and America will rise again,” Romney says as thunderous applause reverberates below decks of the aircraft carrier in San Diego where he is speaking.
After graciously accepting the applause, Romney says, “Finally, to those who claim I have no idea of how the rest of America lives, let me just say…” and he starts humming, “I have been a pauper, a pastor…” Quickly recovering, he continues, “I have been a fisherman, I have paved roads, I have picked up garbage, worked in a daycare center, sold sausages, flown Southwest, coach mind you.” In perfect Spanish he adds “Una vez yo comí uno de esos ‘jalapeño chicken sandwiches’ de Carlos junior. Delicioso!”
A reinvented Mitt Romney concludes, “Yes, I have been up and down, over and out and now it’s over to you to make sure I am the next president so that, together, we can eradicate our poverty and restore this great country to its pre-Obama glory — and wealth.”
CODA: For photographic proof of Mr. Romney’s past employments, please go here.
Lead image: www.shutterstock.com
