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Dana Milbank at the Washington Post wrote today:
In a speech on the Senate floor Wednesday morning outlining his priorities for the new Congress, the Kentucky Republican suggested that the Republican takeover of Congress — not yet 24 hours old — had already boosted the American economy.
I am confident that inimitable New Yorker satirist Andy Borowitz will have some comments on this and will hit it out of the ballpark.
But, before he does so, I wanted to try my hand at it.
So here it goes:
In his characteristic bubbly manner, the new Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, today jovially took credit for what has been obvious to every American.
“Although Republicans have been in power in Congress for less than 24 hours,” McConnell told a fawning Senate “we have already seen a significant improvement in all economic indicators. Furthermore, witness how the economy grew at its fastest rate in more than a decade this past summer; how the unemployment rate has dropped to 5.8 percent ; how gas prices have fallen — all just in anticipation of a new Republican Congress.”
Addressing health care, McConnell reassured his Senators, “Before Obamacare, millions of Americans had no or inadequate health insurance, millions more struggled with rising medical costs and an untold number faced financial disaster when a serious illness or accident struck. This is unconscionable. With your help, I plan to dismantle Obamacare and restore the pre-Obamacare American Dream.”
McConnell also addressed jobs. “We want to pursue common-sense jobs ideas,” he said, such as “moving forward with oil industry-friendly infrastructure projects like the Keystone Pipeline which will add a whopping 35 full time jobs to our economy.”
McConnell added, “This November, the American people didn’t ask for a government that tries to do everything, they were happy with a Congress that aimed to do nothing, and that almost succeeded at that.”
“But that doesn’t mean they don’t want us to accomplish anything,” McConnell concluded “If President Obama is interested in doing the few grandiose things Republicans want to do, it can be his historic achievement, too. This can be his time as well.”
With my apologies to good satirists and with my thanks to Mitch McConnell.
Lead photo: Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com
