THIS JUST IN from investigative reporter Andy Borowitz:
NBC News Issues Stricter Broadcast Standards for Future Mass Murderers
HD Quality ‘Essential,’ News Chief Says
Facing criticism over his network’s relentless airings of Virginia Tech gunman Seung-Hui Cho’s videos, NBC News president Steve Capus announced today that the network was issuing “stricter broadcast standards� for all future mass murderers.
Speaking at NBC News headquarters in New York, Mr. Capus said that while NBC will “continue to be the home for mass murderers’ videos going forward,� homicidal maniacs should “think twice before sending any old video into NBC News.�
“Here’s the deal,� Mr. Capus told reporters. “If you send in your creepy videotape to NBC and expect us to play it around the clock, we expect the video quality and production values to be up to our broadcast standards.�
Mr. Capus was harshly critical of the grainy video and muffled audio of Mr. Cho’s tape, saying that “we live in an HD age, and we think it is essential that our mass murderers’ tapes be of HD quality.�
In what was perhaps his most damning comment about the quality of Mr. Cho’s tape, Mr. Capus said, “I want all future mass murderers to remember that NBC stands for No Bad Camerawork.�
After reporters asked Mr. Capus if, in retrospect, he wished that the timing of the broadcast of Mr. Cho’s video had been different, the NBC News chief admitted that he did.
“We aired that video too soon after Mr. Cho’s rampage,� Mr. Capus said. “We should have held it until May sweeps.�
There’s more so read the whole thing.
You can get and read Andy Borowitz’s other investigative reports here.
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.