And yet, sadly, probably not the one we will see this week. It’s true that John McCain has heeded the nervous rumblings of his base and is now threatening to utter the dreaded name of Bill Ayers tomorrow night, but this is still likely to provide an unsatisfying evening’s entertainment. Many of the complaints have been levied over the format of the debates, which often render the event into little more than a pair of dueling press conferences. What we really need is a far more open, free-range format where topics and/or questions are suggested by audience members who are not screened beforehand, with the candidates then being allowed to really go after each other and bring up related issues as they see fit. Then we might really see some informative fireworks.
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BOB SCHIEFFER: Thank you gentleman, and with that we’ll take our first question or subject from Ms. Emma Schlark of Cherry Valley, New York.
(An elderly woman shuffles up to the stand and takes the microphone.)
EMMA SCHLARK: Our retirement fund has been cut in half in the last few weeks and my husband says he may have to go back to work again. How can we get our savings back?
SCHIEFFER: An important topic…
SCHLARK: and…
SCHIEFFER: to be… I’m sorry, you had something else?
SCHLARK: I was just saying, he still looks like an Arab.
SCHIEFFER: Well, ummm. Thank you. An important topic to many Americans. Senator McCain, we’ll start with you.
JOHN McCAIN: Thank you, Bob. And thank you too, Emma, for that important question. Emma, I don’t know what will happen to each person’s individual retirement funds, but I do know that if you elect Mr. I Was Born In Hawaii over there as president, this economy is going to crash worse than one of the jets I piloted in Vietnam. My friends, you may or may not know that I was a prisoner of war over there for five years without so much as a kitchen table, and during that time…
SCHIEFFER: Senator… Senator McCain. If we could stick to the topic of the economy, please…
McCAIN: Now, Bob, no. The people deserve a little straight talk here. And they deserve to know what they’ll be getting if That One and his Bubble Butt Wife start redecorating the Lincoln Bedroom next January…
(Entering from off stage we hear the voice of – )
MICHELLE OBAMA: You did NOT just say that, Whitey!
(Michelle Obama grabs a metal folding chair and advances menacingly toward McCain. Two Secret Service agents grab her and attempt to wrestle the chair away.)
BARACK OBAMA: Bob… Bob! I really must protest. This simply isn’t dignified, and represents the sort of discourse that passes for bipartisanship in…
SCHEIFFER: Yes, yes. Ladies and Gentlemen! PLEASE settle down or we won’t be able to continue. Senator Obama. If you could outline your economic plan for us and address Ms. Schlark’s question, please.
OBAMA: Of course. Thank you, Bob, and thank you too.. umm… Emma, for your question. You know, John and I actually agree on many points when it comes to fixing our economy. In fact, I agree with John all the time. Or at least I would be agreeing with him if he was telling the truth. Now, I greatly admire and respect John McCain and the service he’s devoted to our country. But as much as I like John… let’s face it. The man is a pathological liar. Well, that is when he’s not wandering around erratically in the third stages of dementia. Now, if you elect me… ACK!
(Obama stops as a raw egg hits him in the face, cracking and dripping all over his suit. The camera swings to the right side of the stage where Cindy McCain is in the grip of two more Secret Service agents who are trying to pry the rest of a dozen eggs out of her hands.)
CINDY McCAIN: Liar, huh? I’ve got your liar right here, Surrender Boy!
SCHEIFFER: Ladies and Gentlemen! I MUST insist that everyone… ugh
(Bob Schieffer slumps to the floor as a metal folding chair crashes into his head. A deep gash on his forehead begins to bleed profusely. Michelle Obama has broken free from the Secret Service agents and is barreling across the stage toward McCain.)
PRODUCER: Cut the feed! Cut the feed!
(From an open mic in the press section, we hear the voice of...)
JERRY SPRINGER: I told ’em to let me moderate this thing. Schieffer is a total amateur.
(Cut away to commercial.)