September 15, 2016
Note to readers: This is the latest entry in Baby DonDon’s campaign diary. The series imagines that “Mr.” Donald Trump has the emotional make-up of a five-year-old and confides his deepest thoughts—such as they are—to Andrew Feinberg, and to readers, every day. In his private moments, he always thinks of himself as Baby DonDon.
Folks, I am so honored. Baby DonDon just won another lifetime achievement award, the Golden Scammy, from the American Society of Philanthropies. The award goes to people whose charitable pledges exceed their actual donations by a factor of 1,000 to one. Baby DonDon is the first winner.
Let’s hear it for Baby DonDon!
Over the weekend, the Washington Post-Apocalypse published yet another David Fahrenthold article—geez, can the man get a life?—about my charitable giving. The story said that of the 326 charities contacted, only one reported that I had given any money from my own pocket since 2008. And that donation was for less than $10,000.
Actually, I have also given tens of millions in cash, but I swore the recipients to secrecy. Why?
Like my old birther campaign, I just don’t like to talk about it.
I can hear you saying, “Oh, winning the Golden Scammy looks bad for Baby DonDon, especially when Melania/Michelle Obama said at the Republican convention that ‘your word is your bond.’”
Not to worry. The latest vicious Fahrenthold story really showed just how smart Baby DonDon is. Fahrenthold figured out that I have developed a true businessman’s model of charity, what I call GOPM—Giving Other People’s Money. Republicans, I am the man who put the GOP in GOPM!
My foundation shakes down people who do business with Trump and then I give the money away and take the credit. I can’t believe no one else ever thought of this. Had you been smarter, you might have thought of this yourself.
I even went further. I gave OPM to the Palm Beach Police Foundation and then they held an affair honoring me at Mar-a-Lago, and they paid me to rent the place. So I made money on the deal!
A man who can do this can eliminate the national debt in eight years, that I can tell you.
But then the Post went too far. It said that in 2007 I used $20,000 of Trump Foundation money to buy a 6-foot-tall portrait of me for me. Using foundation money to buy myself a gift is illegal. So why did I do it? Because My Life Matters!
Even though all of the Post’s allegations are true, I still plan to sue them for $17 trillion. I won’t win, but they may soil their pants while waiting for a court decision.
But back to the Scammy. Why do I promise so much money but give so little?
Taxes. I pay no taxes. Giving money would make no sense because I can’t take a deduction. Giving away money without getting a deduction makes you a schmuck. I am not a schmuck.
Well, not that kind of schmuck.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven (https://www.amazon.com/Four-Score-Seven-Andrew-Feinberg/dp/0692664009), a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. He also writes a daily anti-Trump humor page at https://www.facebook.com/MeBabyDonDon.