Charity Begins with Baby DonDon
September 23, 2016
Note to readers: This is the latest entry in Baby DonDon’s campaign diary. The series imagines that “Mr.” Donald Trump has the emotional make-up of a five-year-old and confides his deepest thoughts—such as they are—to Andrew Feinberg, and to readers, every day. In his private moments, he always thinks of himself as Baby DonDon.
Go, Omarosa, go. The great woman, an African-American, just said that, after I am elected, all my critics will “bow down” to “the most powerful man in the universe.” What a beautiful sentiment.
That means all those Washington Post-Apocalypse people, from Jeff Bezos to the awful editorial headline writers (“Trump’s slimy, shameless approach to philanthropy”) to the lowliest, scummiest reporter, will bow and honor me, which is a far cry from what they are doing right now. This David Fahrenthold reporter who’s obsessed with my foundation is just the worst. When I take office, we are going to LOCK HIM UP for treason or libel or double-parking or something.
One of his recent articles said I used $258,000 from the foundation to pay legal settlements that should have come from my businesses. He quoted a charity lawyer as saying he had “never encountered anything so brazen.”
Hey, pal, I’m not brazen. I’m shameless. There’s a big difference.
Understand the context here. I had a long-running dispute with Palm Beach because the town said the size of my flagpole at Mar-a-Lago was wrong. (I had a similar flagpole size dispute with Marco Rubio.) I sued Palm Beach, arguing that the smaller flagpole didn’t reflect the “magnitude” of my patriotism. Anyway, I eventually agreed to give $100,000 to a veterans’ charity.
Why did I have the foundation pay? Hey, they were saying mean things about my flagpole, so I was upset and made a clerical error. How would you feel if they attacked your flagpole?
Fahrenthold also said the foundation spent $10,000 on a second portrait of me now hanging in one of my restaurants. (It gets the women hot and they order more drinks.) Look, someday my portrait will be ON money, so I don’t see what the point is here.
The Post says all these things are probably illegal. So what are the Feds going to do, indict me before the election? I don’t think so, because they know how Baby DonDon will scream about how rigged the system is and my Second Amendment followers might get some itchy trigger fingers.
And, yes, I’d consider using some of my nukes before the trial started. Just sayin’.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven (https://www.amazon.com/Four-Score-Seven-Andrew-Feinberg/dp/0692664009), a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. He also writes a daily anti-Trump humor page at https://www.facebook.com/MeBabyDonDon.