We can’t seem to get any luck in the Gulf of Mexico. Every attempt to plug the leak has gone almost comically wrong or has made the very notion of a solution seem like a mockery. Meanwhile, BP CEO Tony Heyward has placed an English face on a company spiraling down the corporate drain, even as Tories in Britain complain about 1776-era anti-British rhetoric. As if the Tea Parties were not enough, now the English are coming in for some newfound Stamp Act-style rancor.

But, alas, there is an answer to BP’s – and Englands’ – woes. It’s Robert Green, of course. He is the affable and ill-fated goaltender who handed the US soccer team a shocking tie in the world-historic World Cup match today. When Tony Heyward asks for his life back Americans rightfully react with rage. But if Robert Green were to say the same thing in the face of a mocking English tabloid press, well, we’d be a little more understanding.

Perhaps BP could simply hire Robert Green to be the new spokesman for BP, then. No, we don’t really care about soccer in the US, but the informed in this country are (or will soon be) certainly aware that the English keeper so humiliated his own side as to give the US an unexpected tie against Mother England. If Robert Green were to say, with puppy dog eyes, that BP had once again failed to plug the oil leak threatening to destroy the Gulf Coast we might see a more humane – even sympathetic – heart behind that English accent. We have our Bill Buckners. We know what it is like to be a national goat. And we love stories of redemption. Robert Green would surely turn a BP-initiated outrage into a farce, which might make Obama-Cameron relations more manageable going forward.

So to all you Tories who lament the strange vengeance for the 1814 burning of the White House, or the intemperate assaults on BP’s – and Great Britains’s – character, know that you have an answer. Put poor ole’ Robert Green in charge. And then we’ll all know that the whole disaster could have happened to anybody.