The other day I got lost in my health plan’s voice mail. By the time the call was over my nails grew an inch and my kitten became a cat. But it isn’t only corporations that are mired in voice mail mania: so are politicians and media types.
How do I know? I checked.
I called the White House office of President Barack Obama and got this: “This is your moment! You have reached the private office of President Barack Obama. If you’re part of the Republican leadership in Congress, I know that if I say press 1 you’ll press 2 — so press 2. If you are John Boehner or Mitch McConnell specifically wanting to talk about a deal on my new jobs plan, press 3 — or any number you feel is better. I’ll meet you half way. In fact, I’ll take whatever number you give me. Just tell me what number you want.”
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor: “Hello. You’ve reached the office of Rep. Eric Cantor. If you want our Press Office, the answer is no. If you want to talk about President Barack Obama’s jobs plan, the answer is no. If you want information about extending the payroll tax, the answer is no. If you are one of the Koch Brothers and you want to make a contribution the answer is YES and press as high a number as you want!”
MSNBC talk show host Rachael Maddow: “You’ve reached my private line. If you want to hear some of my patented sarcasm, press 1. If you want me to repeat a concept over and over as I do on my show…repeating the same idea about 40 times before I move on… hear me rephrase it a thousand different ways…take that concept and reframe it so there’s no question what I am saying…rewording the sentence, revamping the phrase, changing each and every word until you’re screaming, shouting, hollering at the top of your lungs for me to get to the point…doing it 30 times..40 times… then press 2.”
Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh: “You’ve reached Excellence in Voice Mail. If you’re a liberal who wants to talk to me, press any button on the left side of your phone and your voice mail will be screened. If you want to hear me blast people on welfare and unemployment before I jump in my private jet and fly to Philadelphia for a cheese steak, a large pizza with everything on it, and a banana split, press 2.”
Failed Delaware Republican Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell:
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.