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Posted by on Aug 5, 2013 in Arts & Entertainment, At TMV, Banks, Budget, Business, Economy, Education, Finance, Miscellaneous, Politics, Satire | 3 comments

Wall Street Redefined

shutterstock_93231562

Having trouble following the strange doings in markets these days? Perhaps these few definitions. among the hundreds found in my Devil’s Dictionary Of Wall Street book, will help in your understanding:

Bank Regulators:
Keystone financial cops who avoid getting into political traffic accidents by never actually chasing the robbers.

Capital Gains:

In the ongoing competition with labor, this is a status report

Christmas:

Formerly a religious holiday that has morphed into a seasonal obligation to overspend.

Credit Scores:

What Americans receive these days in return for giving up their right to privacy.

Debt Ceiling:
The always porous roof atop a national house of cards. 

Detroit’s Big Three:
Poverty, property abandonment, insolvency.

Downsizing:
A process that attempts to shoehorn a size 12 company work load into a size 10 workforce.

Economic Forecasting:

Hindsight projected into the future.

Economic Recovery:

A period when things get worse more slowly between two periods when they get worse very quickly.   

Financial News:

News that’s often not fit to print but gets printed anyway.

Fracking:

A chemical enema inserted into the earth in hopes of releasing large quantities of combustible flatulence.

Globalization:
A process that brings all peoples everywhere together in a common tragedy of epic proportions.

Inflation:
An excess of money in circulation so extreme that even poor people have more of it than usual.

Initial Public Offerings (a.k.a. IPOs):

Privately owned companies heavily rouged and tarted up by skilled investment banker makeup artists for a one-time appearance at a Wall Street coming out party.

Interday Highs:
Stimulant-generated euphoria experienced by Wall Street traders after brief washroom visits.   

Market Research:

“Manny. This is Hank over at Goldman. How’s it going? What do hear about H.P.?”

Moochers:
Anyone at the federal trough who isn’t you.

Quantitative Easing:
The last refuge of a central bank that has tried everything else and failed.

The New Normal:
The old poor.   

The Treasury:

A government agency staffed by Goldman Sachs employees on sabbatical leave.

Too Big To Fail:
Financial obesity that unlike physical obesity does not shorten life but guarantees its perpetual continuation.

Toxic Assets:

Assets that no sane individual wants but which government has a strange and endless desire to possess.

Wall Street’s Best And Brightest:
Dumb and dumber in thousand dollar suits.


Wall Street photo
via shutterstock.com

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