Grand Old Punishers: Republicans Divide and Conquer
The party of punishment pushes the Daisy Dems out… until they screw things up again.
Until they inevitably screw themselves by underestimating the power of a Huxtable-in-Chief, Republicans are on a roll. They sissy-slapped Lucille Bluth – er, Nancy Pelosi – out of the House majority, upped their annoyance quotient in the Senate, and sent the Democrats to the casa de loca with some new high-profile Hispanics, like incoming Sen. Marco Rubio and Govs. Brian Sandoval and Susana Martinez.
You may have come to power through legal and democratic means – we’re looking at you suspiciously, Lisa Murkowski – but Party of Lincoln Who No Longer Resembles Lincoln, you’re our Imperialist of the Week.
We congratulate you for taking the advice of Sideshow Bob, promising to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule us like a king. Voters ate it up, especially the elderly, who favored Republicans by 21 points over Democrats.
Only the most cutthroat tyrants can inspire their enemies to disavow their own leaders to the extent the GOP did, with many endangered Democrats saying they’d vote against Pelosi for speaker and rename local geography after Reagan. Even President Obama panicked enough to briefly convert from Muslim to Hindu in the hopes of getting electoral help from Ganeesha, Vishnu and other gods who can’t be swayed with peanuts.
But Republicans forgot the cardinal rule of politics: Never trust women.
Freedom has taken a nosedive since dames got the vote, and running them as candidates has proven a riskier bet than Courtney Love keeping her underwear on in public. Steeped in unbridled enthusiasm for Hobbes’ state of nature and tri-corner hats, the Know-Nothings – er, Tea Party activists – rushed the Delaware and Nevada primaries, got drunk on Johnnie Walker and nominated the squawkiest candidates that showed up, Christine O’Donnell and Sharron Angle, who hadn’t yet been recruited for the Reform Party presidential ticket. The Estrogeneral herself, Sarah Palin, gave them the crucial endorsement of blowing white smoke out of her chimney.
Easily-winnable seats for the GOP thus became easy Democratic retentions that helped keep the Senate from flipping. Now another makeup-drenched she-beast, Rep. Michele Bachmann, is running a campaign to associate the word “Republican” with the phrase “short-lived influence” by 2012. Fortunately she’s up against a competent, principled and male Texan backed by other men, who inherently excel in their reason and accountability.
You’ve got two years to show the country you have a better agenda than the Professor, you whites, businessmen, social conservatives, Cubans and gun owners. Don’t let a bunch of erratic broads ruin it for you.