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Posted by on May 17, 2015 in Humor, Military, Politics, Satire | 9 comments

DoD Admits Invasion of Texas Associated with “Jade Helm 15” (Guest Voice)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): DoD Secretary Ashton B. Carter admitted today there will be an invasion of Texas associated with the “Jade Helm 15” U.S. military exercise that has many Texans worried their state will be placed under martial law. Ashton cautioned Texans the invasion “isn’t the kind you are so concerned about.”

“The DoD is going to use one-fourth of its 2015 budget on mental health workers to descend upon Texas in the next few days, weeks, and probably months. Their mission will be to assess and treat what we believe is a mental health epidemic there,” said Carter.

Defense Secretary  Ashton Carter

Defense Secretary Ashton Carter

A member of the press asked Carter how serious the epidemic is.

“Well, Senator Cruz (R-TX) and Congressman Gohmert (R-TX-01) keep asking if we are preparing to invade Texas and are encouraging people who believe Walmarts are being used as staging grounds,” stated Carter.

Secretary Carter added, “The cognitive dissonance required to think you are the epitome of an American patriot while you openly despise your own government and mistrust its soldiers is awe-inspiring. We have some serious work to do.”

Carter said the mission has been dubbed “Operation Loon Star” and afflicted Texans will be encouraged to see psychiatric professionals by giving them incentives like surplus military hardware from Iraq after successful treatment.

Cross-posted from the satire website the Nil Admirari

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  • The_Ohioan

    The mission name sounds more sane than a lot of them DoD has come up with. I have hopes this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

    BTW what’s in the water in Waco?

    • Brownies girl

      “BTW what’s in the water in Waco?”

      I was just thinking the same thing — maybe we up here can arrange to ship some fresh water down there, a load of it currently streaming into Lake Superior what with the melting of the winter snows and all, and give those Texans something pure to drink. It’s unfortunately getting harder and harder to differentiate between satire and real news. Specially when it comes to Texas.

      • JSpencer

        Keep you’re hands off “our” Great Lakes! No H2O diversion to the SW!!!!!!!!! (They’ll just have to sort it out by themselves, once they get enough guns they’ll be OK…)

    • SteveK

      BTW what’s in the water in Waco?

      Nothing dangerous, just tailings and runoff from fracking operations. And the Texas Governor and Legislature (Republicans) have assured the fine folk in Waco that it’s as safe as spring water… Safer actually.

      This just in… 9 Bikers Dead From Shootout in Waco, Texas

      HOUSTON — A shootout among members of several rival motorcycle gangs in a busy shopping plaza in the Central Texas city of Waco on Sunday left at least nine bikers dead and nearly two dozen other people injured, creating chaos on a sprawling parking lot packed with afternoon shoppers, law enforcement officials said.

      Yep boy howdy, you can always tell when WalMart has an ammo sale. Just think how much more violent it could have been had it not happened in the heart of the ‘bible belt.’

    • BTW what’s in the water in Waco?

      Funny thing. When my family moved to Lufkin TX when I was eleven, the very first thing we noticed was that the water was WONDERFUL. I remember sitting in a restaurant on the edge of town after our drive from our previous home in Mission KS and sipping the glass of water the waitress gave me. It was pure and fresh with a clean nose and a slightly sweet finish (my wife has taught me to speak Wineish.)

      The air, on the other hand, not so good. Lufkin had large, smelly paper mills located upwind of the town center. Sadly, my father’s new job was selling them, and every other paper mill in the state, more equipment. Lufkin was downwind of all of them.

  • DdW

    Great example of satire imitating life in Texas….

    • SteveK

      I’m sure glad we’ve a Texan here to show us that all Texans haven’t gone over the edge. Thank you Dorian… Your POV, humor, and sense of common decency (not always in that order :o) are appreciated.

      • DdW

        “Transplanted” Texan, that is. Nevertheless, thanks Steve.

        BTW, Waco is getting a little bit too close to home. (Give’em more guns!)

        Added: Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theories, Waco massacre, Texas gun laws, etc., etc., — there is so much satire and irony here, and so little time. 🙂

      • JSpencer

        Steve, Austin isn’t really a part of Texas.

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