Citizens Demand Accurate Predictions for Doomsday! (El Observador, Uruguay)
If humans are going to predict the end of the world, why can’t they get it right? For Uruguay’s El Observador, columnist Bimbo Depauli rails against predictions of Doomsday that never come true, and begs for a more accurate reckoning to ensure that his canned peas and tinned corned beef keeps until the end times arrive.
In his humorous look at the perhaps-approaching Apocalypse, Bimbo Depauli starts out this way:
The world was to end several times last year. There have been capriciously-interpreted Mayan prophecies, a pair of North American preachers said Judgment Day was imminent, and still others revealed new apocalyptic versions of the writings of Nostradamus, so vague that they may just as well mean that the lady next door will get highlights in her hair as the world is ending
The problem is that the world went on without batting an eye, moving gradually toward destruction, but in no way indicating what it will succumb to. That shows a real lack of respect toward those of us who, as diligent citizens, are meticulously preparing for the coming Apocalypse.
We, responsible citizens, who hoard groceries and buy ammunition for our guns, need someone to tell us when everything is to explode, in order to know when we need to renew our provisions or that whether we’ll be able to survive on what we have. It would be awful if, after waiting all this time, the end of the world found us with our gunpowder wet, so that we couldn’t shoot the heads off those who would rob us of our cans of corned beef!
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