Comedy Central, here he comes! By all reports, President Barack Obama’s comedy routine at the Alfalfa Club Dinner — an annual event packed with political and media bigwigs that’s supposed to be off-the-record but part of it always leaks out — wowed ’em.
USA Today’s The Oval blog has this great roundup of the event which includes some of Obama’s jokes. Here’s are some of Obama’s jokes, as released by the White House:
• “I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the general would be 202 years old. And very confused.”
• “Now, this hasn’t been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm’s idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony.”
“But don’t believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel (Obama’s chief of staff) is a real sweetheart.
“No, it’s true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children.”
• “But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as president. In just the first few weeks, I’ve had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my BlackBerry.
“I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could e-mail me. It’s a very exclusive list. How exclusive?
“Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my e-mail address.”
But couldn’t the comedy have been a mite stronger?
Going through stock jokes, reworking them and some other comedy lines, and adding a few originals here is my modest contribution to Obama’s comedy joke file.
Mr. President: Feel free to use this next time to get a few yucks. No charge:
JOE GANDELMAN’S SUGGESTED COMEDY ROUTINE FOR PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:
Hey, it’s nice to be here. If I was John Edwards, I’d say “It’s nice to be anywhere.”
I just learned they ran completely out of food. Not one bite is left. I didn’t know Rush Limbaugh was here.
You have to respect Rush. After all, a town in Massachusetts was named after him: Marblehead.
But folks, I gotta tell ya, it’s great being President.
The hard thing is having girls in the White House Oval Office. Bill Clinton knows what I mean. He had one in his family and also one in the Oval Office working on his staff.
Put down that finger, Hillary, now you work for me.
I have to try and shield my daughter from things that will warp their minds, make them lose hope, teach them hypocrisy and traumatize them. So I turned off C-SPAN when they were watching the House Republicans talk about my stimulus plan.
The other day Joe Biden told me: “You need the vote of every thinking member of Congress.” So I told him, “But, Joe, I need a MAJORITY.”
I see some reporters here. I see Fox News. Hi guys! Fox News reporters can smell a story a mile away. And when they broadcast their stories, so can we.
Hey, I see CNN’s Lou Dobbs. Howya doing, Lou? Lou: You’ve convinced me about reincarnation. Now tell me: which part of a horse were you in your previous incarnation?
These are the jokes. If you want better jokes, then listen to the Senate discuss the stimulus plan this week.
Now my kids say they want an attack dog in the White House. But we already have Rahm Emanuel.
Some people don’t like Rahm but he’s just your average Irish politician.
Hey, is that Karl Rove over there by the punch bowl? I’m not drinking that punch.
Hey, Karl: make yourself at home: demonize someone. But don’t make it me. My mother-in-law has done that already. I wouldn’t say Michelle and I had a fight over her, but last night Michelle slept on Nancy Pelosi’s couch.
And she had to throw Hillary off of it.
Put down that finger, Hillary!
Aha! Karl waved to me. Former..former…former — don’t you love that word? — President Bush called Rove “the architect.”
Bush is called “the archeologist” because he left the country in ruins.
Well, gotta run now — or, rather, gotta get ready to run again in 2012.
My name is Obama and I’ll be here for four years, unless the Republicans can find something to change that. Love ya!
FOOTNOTE: One guest’s arrival at last night’s dinner got a lot of attention:
Joe Gandelman is a former fulltime journalist who freelanced in India, Spain, Bangladesh and Cypress writing for publications such as the Christian Science Monitor and Newsweek. He also did radio reports from Madrid for NPR’s All Things Considered. He has worked on two U.S. newspapers and quit the news biz in 1990 to go into entertainment. He also has written for The Week and several online publications, did a column for Cagle Cartoons Syndicate and has appeared on CNN.