(It is very challenging to satirize a monumental political blunder – a trade war that is rapidly escalating and could devastate the world’s economy – but here it goes.)
Among the countries and territories affected by President Trump’s Liberation Day-announced expansive new tariffs are the Antarctic Heard Island and McDonald Islands, located more than 2,000 miles southwest of Perth, Western Australia, some of the most remote places on the planet.
Trump slapped a baseline 10% tariff on imports from those islands.
The mainstream media is having a field day mocking the tariffs solely because the islands are uninhabited, except for large populations of penguins, seals, albatrosses and other marine birds.
In 1987, the islands were designated by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site and are described in the CIA World Factbook as “80% ice-covered” and “bleak.”
And, indeed, Trump’s announcement of tariffs on these islands received an icy reception.
However, it is a well-known fact that — paraphrasing the President — “for decades, our country has been looted, pillaged, raped and plundered by penguins near and far.”
He specifically pointed to the 10% tariff imposed by the self-anointed Emperor Penguin on krill, squid and fish generously flown to the islands daily from U.S. waters, in addition to other shady “currency manipulation and trade barriers” perpetrated by the Penguin regime to rip off American taxpayers.
The president had no other choice but to impose a 10% reciprocal tariff on all penguin-crafted, decorative ice cubes imported from the islands, as the lack of reciprocity constitutes an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security and economy of the United States.
The president warned, “Should the Heard Island and McDonald Islands penguins retaliate against the United States in response to this action, I will fly all the penguins to an undisclosed, tropical location for intensive re-education.” And, he added, “they can forget about any swimming, walking or toboggan activities.”
They could soon be joined there by other tariff-abusing creatures from Svalbard and Jan Mayen, from Norfolk Island, from the Christmas and Cocos Keeling islands and, let us not forget, from the collection of islands making up the British Indian Ocean Territory (BIOT).
Hopefully, US military personnel at the Diego Garcia base would be exempted from such relocation.
Also curiously exempted is Russia.
